How Your Attachment Style Can Impact Your Relationships

Key Points

• Attachment theory suggests that early bonds with caregivers influence how individuals form and navigate relationships throughout life.
• The lessons learned during infancy shape how individuals express needs, manage emotions and approach intimacy.
• Your attachment style can substantially impact adult relationships, such as friendships and romantic partnerships.

Babies and young children rely on one or more caregivers to meet their fundamental needs, from feeding to emotional support. The nature of these bonds can influence a person's relationships throughout life, according to a psychological concept known as attachment theory.

"Our earliest attachment relationships teach us important lessons about what it means to be close to others, how reliable and trustworthy others are, how to navigate emotions, and our own worthiness of love and care," said Clare Rosoman, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist in Brisbane, Australia, and the author of "Life After Love: An Emotionally Focused Guide to Relationship Loss." "These lessons come with us into our subsequent relationships and influence how we signal our needs, how we reach for others, whether we push them away or send confusing signals, and how we manage big feelings in ourselves and others."

Understanding attachment styles can provide valuable insights into your dating behaviors and sexual dynamics and help you forge stronger relationships.

Types of attachment styles

When infants express needs, they automatically expect a caregiver to attend to them. During the first six months to two years of life, babies observe how their caregiver typically responds and develop mental schemas or working models to help them understand what to expect from others, according to attachment theory.

These schemas—the foundation for a person's attachment style—are based on patterns. Unless a caregiver is abusive or neglectful on a regular basis, experiencing unmet needs or negative interactions sporadically won't likely influence a child's attachment style.

Children whose caregivers are consistently responsible, accessible, loving, engaged and reliable tend to have "secure" attachment styles, Rosoman said.

"This teaches them that others are there when they need them, that they can clearly signal their needs, and that their needs are real and valid," she said. "Importantly, being responded to in this way develops a sense of worthiness of care and confidence in a person's ability to manage their emotions and navigate life's challenges."

When a caregiver is unavailable, frightening, confusing, uncaring or inconsistent, children cope in less optimal ways and tend to develop one of three insecure attachment styles: avoidant, ambivalent or disorganized.

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What's the effect of attachment styles on dating and relationships?

Your attachment style can substantially impact adult relationships, such as friendships and romantic partnerships. Here's a breakdown of what each attachment style tends to look like.

Secure attachment

Folks with secure attachment styles tend to feel comfortable, confident and trusting, said Kristal DeSantis, L.M.F.T., a therapist, author and founder of Austin STRONG: Relationship Building Center in Texas.

"In relationships, they can usually communicate their needs effectively, establish emotional intimacy and balance autonomy with closeness," she said.

Anxious attachment

People with an anxious or preoccupied attachment style experienced inconsistent caregiving, leading to a preoccupation with the fear of abandonment, DeSantis said.

"As adults, they tend to worry about their partner's feelings and commitment, have a heightened need for reassurance and be highly sensitive to signs of potential rejection," she said. "They may be insecure, clingy, or jealous and have difficulty expressing their emotions or handling others."

It may impact who they choose to date, too, as they could unconsciously choose people who reinforce the insecurity because it's familiar, said Susan Trotter, Ph.D., a relationship coach in Boston.

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Avoidant attachment

A child whose caregiver was distant or emotionally unavailable may develop an avoidant attachment style, DeSantis noted.

"As adults, they may prioritize self-sufficiency and independence, fear emotional dependency, and hesitate to commit to relationships," said LeMeita Smith, Ph.D., L.P.C., a psychological advisor at Taratoo and the director of clinical services at United Health Services in the Dallas area.

They want love, but they may not feel a strong need for deep relationships, Trotter added.

Disorganized attachment

A disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style often stems from early childhood experiences of trauma, abuse or neglect, resulting in conflicting emotions and behaviors toward attachment figures, DeSantis said.

"People with disorganized attachment tend to have negative views of themselves and others, and they lack a consistent strategy for relating to others," Smith said.

When dating, people with anxious-avoidant attachment styles can be unpredictable, chaotic and contradictory in their behaviors, and feel confused about their own emotions, she added.

"Their relationships are often dysfunctional and unstable, and they might avoid or sabotage intimacy for fear of betrayal or harm," Trotter said. "They also tend to be mistrusting."

The bottom line

Attachment styles are deeply ingrained but not inflexible. With introspection, self-compassion and positive experiences with reliable, loving partners, it is possible to develop a secure attachment style.

Professional support can also be valuable, particularly for those with unresolved trauma.

"A person can’t change what happened in the past that contributed to their insecure attachment style," Trotter said. "But by being aware, getting educated, seeking professional help and being more mindful about their role in relationships, people can make positive changes, heal the issues as needed, develop a more secure attachment style and have healthier relationships going forward.

"Change is always possible when we are open to it and willing to make the effort."