Between the Pages: The Dos and Don’ts of Dating and First-Time Sex

In the accessible and informative new book, "Do This, Not That: Dating – What To Do (and NOT Do) in 75+ Difficult Dating Situations," author and dating coach Hayley Quinn outlines the dos and don'ts for 80 common dating and relationship challenges.

The book is packed with tips on everything from reframing your thinking of what to put on your online dating profile to how to spark a good conversation with someone you'd like to get to know.

In this Giddy exclusive, Quinn shared tips for meeting people, as well as what to keep in mind when you're having sex for the first time and how to handle mismatched libidos.

Editor's Note: This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Tell us about your background as a dating coach and how it led you to write this book.

I had a really unusual start in the dating coaching industry. A long time ago, I decided I wanted to be an author. For my first ghostwriting gig, I wrote copy for male pickup artists. I became a ghostwriter within that weird kind of subculture and industry, but that showed me so much about dating advice.

I was writing their blogs, and some of them did pretty well in the United Kingdom, and I got a lot of press attention.

I then started my own company. I opened it up so it wasn't just about men meeting women, I wanted to make it accessible for everybody. Since then, I've written two books. I've done a TEDx talk on dating, which was really popular, called "Searching for Love to Escape Ourselves." And I've also become the representative for Match, a big online dating site, giving advice to their followers.

What's a common example of a dating situation that your clients seem to have a lot of difficulty with?

My company and the work that we do, particularly our workshops, are really synonymous with learning how to meet people in real life. Particularly post-pandemic, I think it's like a lost art form. But it's something people really want to engage in.

Online dating works well for some people and not so well for others. I feel like there's a need and a desire to connect in real life, but people are uncertain how to do that.

What tips would you have for meeting people in real life?

I think you start with the intention that you are going to be more social. If you're like, "I'm gonna go out and meet a date," that's a good way to put a lot of pressure on yourself. So, if you could begin by deciding to have more small social interactions, that's really good. I would also say just like any other area of our life, it requires time.

Maybe post-pandemic, you're working from home and your life is more siloed than it used to be. You need to start to figure out how you could dedicate time to meeting people in real life. And perhaps you occasionally see people you're attracted to out and about, but you're always in a rush or you're always with friends.

So, because of that, I would say, if you're really taking this seriously, factor in a buffer zone of maybe 15 minutes before you meet your friends. Or if you're going out to run an errand, don't have timing so tight that you have absolutely no time to engage.

When you're by yourself it's often the easiest time for people to approach you and for you to meet somebody else. So don't be afraid of going out solo. Finally, I'd say to let go of this idea that you need a super witty icebreaker or that people are judging you on the first words that come out of your mouth. A huge part of the success of that conversation that follows isn't about you being some kind of super person, it's actually about the other person being open and ready and willing in the same headspace.

What do people need to keep in mind when they're about to have sex with the person they've been dating for the first time?

First of all, the first time you have sex with someone is rarely the best sex you have with that person because you're getting to know each other's bodies and understanding one another. Reduce your expectations. No one is judging you about whether it's mind-blowing sex or not. And if they are, they're probably not the right person. That's not a realistic outlook to have on sex and relationships.

There is no rule as to when you go there. Some people say there's a third date rule or a 10-day rule. That's meaningless. It's really about when both individuals feel comfortable going there.

A forgotten but really important component of great sex is trust. There are many situations for sex that can make you feel less safe or less trusting. It's unrealistic to expect yourself to have your best sexual performance with that.

Instead of focusing too much on positions or duration, I would just get back to the basics and think, "Do I feel trusted? Do I feel safe? Is this the right time for me?" If not, how can you communicate that to your partner?

What do you recommend for couples with mismatched libido?

First of all, don't create a narrative around why your partner's sex drive is different than yours. For instance, it doesn't mean they don't like sex or they're not attracted to you. I think the fewer labels you attach to their sexual desire, and the less you make it a reflection of your own attractiveness or the stability of the relationship, the better.

I think when we start to create a narrative around it, a mismatched sex drive can start to feel a lot more damning about the future of the relationship. And it really doesn't need to be that way. It's nearly impossible, especially over the medium to long term, to find someone who's always going to be in sync with you sexually.

If you are the one who would like to have more sex, think about taking pressure away from the communication around sex. Pressure is the anathema of desire. It doesn't work. Think about how you can facilitate your partner feeling more open to that. It could be having a night off from the children, having more personal time or just understanding that perhaps because they're facing an intense work deadline, this just might not be the right moment for them.

Equally, if your partner is more interested in having sex and physical contact than you are, is there somewhere you can meet them? That could be having degrees of physical intimacy of touching and kissing that don't end up in insertive sex.

It could be in understanding that if they want to masturbate after you've been kissing, you don't see that as a form of infidelity or a personal slight, but rather as them giving themselves space to get their own needs met.

Understand that in any relationship, over the long run, the feelings of desire will ebb and flow. And that is completely normal.