How to Escape the Dating Burnout Cycle
Key Points:
- Burnout is usually considered an occupational hazard but can occur in other areas of life.
- Dating burnout is common and can lead to frustration, apathy, hopelessness and diminished self-esteem, among other symptoms.
- Taking a break and switching up your dating strategy can help you recover.
Burnout is usually associated with a toxic hustle culture, but many things can contribute, from financial insecurity and lack of sleep to relationships and dating.
As an 18-year-old college freshman, MaLynn Pierce entered the dating scene optimistic and energized, but her enthusiasm was short-lived.
"I went into the dating world expecting to meet some stand-up guys, but when you're going to a city college in the middle of Denver, you meet some…characters," said Pierce, who now resides in Lee's Summit, Missouri.
"I went on a number of dates with friends of friends and friends of roommates, but after a couple of months of trying to juggle toxic interactions and school, I was beginning to feel emotionally and physically tired," Pierce said.
At the time, Pierce thought her experience was par for the course.
Isn't this something everyone endures in their quest for love? But when those same feelings recently resurfaced four years later, she realized she was and is burnt out.
"Dating should be fun and exciting," said Kara Kays, LMFT, a therapist at Thriveworks in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
"If you're drained leading up to a date, feeling overwhelmed with the idea of talking to a possible romantic interest, or just downright dreading going for a date, you may be experiencing dating burnout," Kays said.
Whether you find yourself proclaiming how much online dating sucks or are ready to swear off romance altogether, here are some expert-backed tips for how to spot and cope with burnout.
What is dating burnout?
"Dating burnout is a state of emotional, mental and physical exhaustion which results from persistent, disappointing or overwhelming dating experiences," said Caleb Birkhoff, LMFT, a counselor in San Francisco.
People in the throes of burnout tend to feel overwhelmed, drained, irritable, anxious, apathetic and cynical about dating and relationships, he explained.
"One complicating factor in identifying dating burnout, as with most burnout, is that it's insidious," he said. "If you're not on the lookout for it you'll be surprised by it."
Signs of dating burnout include the following, said Marquita Johnson, LPC, a counselor and millennial dating and relationship coach in Atlanta.
- Experiencing a lack of enthusiasm in meeting new people or going on dates
- Being overwhelmed, anxious or sad about dating
- Feeling emotionally drained and apathetic with a "what's the point" attitude
- Feeling impatient, frustrated or irritated with the dating process
- Having a cynical or pessimistic attitude toward dating and relationships, potentially telling yourself it'll never work out for you
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Dating apps are part of the problem
Online dating has many benefits, including expanding the dating pool and reducing the likelihood of a mortifying public rejection. Dating apps are helpful for people who work from home, too.
But for many users, it's a love-hate relationship.
- Roughly 57 percent of people who'd tried dating apps had a positive experience, other reports indicate burnout is prevalent, indicated a 2020 survey.
- Approximately half of the 5,000 single survey respondents were burned out with dating, suggested a 2016 survey.
- Over 78 percent of respondents felt emotionally burned out or fatigued with online dating, indicated a 2022 survey from analytics company Singles Reports..
"The apps are an endless supply of singles looking for all different levels of commitment, or lack thereof, so when certain conversations do not flow, people move on considerably quicker," said Karen Stewart, Psy.D., a sex and relationship therapist with offices in Los Angeles and Santa Monica, California.
"Dating apps have also created a dating culture of anonymity," she noted. "People feel much more comfortable ghosting, deleting connections or letting conversations fade because there is no actual human connection formed."
Jacob Flores, an outreach specialist in Ontario, California, first experienced burnout in the fall of 2022, after numerous online matches produced nothing more than dead-end conversations.
"It's not something you realize, but something you feel or know. You're just fed up with everything, done with everyone and anything," he said.
"It felt like I didn't even want to try anymore, and yet, you can't [stop trying] because if you don't 'put yourself out there,' nothing will change. It's the epitome of a catch-22 situation," Flores finished.
Dating apps are not entirely to blame
"Repeated rejections, unrealistic expectations, societal pressures, personal insecurities and past relationship traumas or disappointments can also contribute to burnout, whether connections are made online or off," said Martha Tara Lee, D.H.S., a relationship counselor and clinical sexologist with Eros Coaching in Singapore.
Alex Mastin, CEO and founder of Home Grounds in Portland, Oregon, was facing dating burnout for the first time after breaking up with his partner of four years.
A self-described romantic, Mastin said he's always been optimistic about finding lifelong love, but since his eighth long-term relationship ended, he's feeling less invigorated.
"When my breakup happened around seven months ago, I didn't realize I was suffering from dating burnout until around a month ago when I realized I didn't want to be in another relationship or be involved with another person for a while," he said. "I'm still at a point where I feel tired, exhausted and just emotionally drained."
What are the stages of dating burnout?
"The burnout cycle usually begins with an initial 'honeymoon phase,' characterized by high expectations and excitement," Birkhoff said.
"Then comes a period of disillusionment, stress and frustration when those expectations are unmet. That's followed by chronic symptoms such as persistent exhaustion, disinterest and a negative outlook on dating," Birkhoff explained.
"They may feel they're in a 'Groundhog Day' cycle of repetitive dating patterns, which can lead to feelings of rejection or being unattractive or unlovable," Stewart said. "Dating can go from fun to frustration, exhaustion, even being overwhelming. This can lead to a loss of motivation. They may begin to think, 'What's the point?'"
Finally, there's full-on burnout.
"This is where people start deleting apps and swearing off dating altogether," Birkhoff said.
Besides making dating feel burdensome or pointless, burnout can have knock-on effects on a person's mental health, Johnson noted.
"Dating can take a hit on your self-esteem, confidence and overall well-being, especially when using the apps," Stewart said.
While the conditions are distinct, habitual burnout may also contribute to or exacerbate depression and anxiety, according to a 2019 review. Recognizing and addressing burnout can help you avoid getting to such point.
How can you escape the burnout cycle?
"Start by bringing awareness to burnout. Name it and challenge it when you can," Kays said. "Was this just a bad date? Or has dating been less than fulfilling for some time now?"
If it's the latter, here are four strategies to help you cope.
1. Take a break
"If someone is starting to feel like they are experiencing dating burnout or need to recover from it, I suggest staying off dating apps for a while, regrouping and taking care of yourself," Stewart said.
"Often, when submerged in the dating world, we neglect our self-care. We skip the gym to plan a date, and we're drinking and eating more because we're out socializing more. The financial and emotional strain of getting to know someone all starts taking a toll," Stewart shared.
Some people call it "dating yourself." It's gaining traction as people take a break from online dating.
"Pause the apps, let your friends know you're out of the game for a little bit and take care of yourself," Stewart finished.
This sentiment resonated with Pierce, who's been experiencing burnout again since her last long-term relationship ended. Dating as a single mom is rough, Pierce shared, and she's been on pause for several months, focusing instead on herself and her family.
"For now, I'm not looking for companionship or someone to be with, but instead looking to be happy with myself and be the best influence I can be as a mom," she said.
Although not a single parent, Mastin said he feels the same.
"Committing to not getting involved with someone for right now is my way of trying to get myself out of the burnout stage," he said. "I need some time for myself, and I want to find someone organically…instead of using dating apps or singles events."
2. Reflect
"Once you get a breather, you can more clearly assess what you want from dating. Some of us think a partner may fill the void we have in our lives, or we've been told if we don't find a partner, we'll be miserable," said Jessica Good, M.A., LPC, a counselor in St. Louis, Missouri.
"However, the healthiest relationships are often a 'want' and not a 'need.' What I mean by this is you're with the person simply because you want to be and not because you need them to make you happy or feel fulfilled," Good said.
If you're looking for a partner because you think a relationship will complete or "fix" you, consider exploring this in therapy to avoid disappointment, Good noted.
Healing and cultivating a full, healthy life independent of a relationship can boost your well-being and help you attract the right kind of people when you're ready.
3. Try intentional dating
Once you understand your motivations, Good suggests dating with intention. This entails approaching the dating process with thoughtfulness and purpose and begins with establishing what you want in a partner and relationship.
"For example, you may want a partner who enjoys some of the hobbies you like, has a comparable level of emotional and physical needs, and values things such as communication, empathy, hard work, adventure, family, etc. This would help you understand who you are and aren't looking for," Good said.
"With this list in mind, you can create a list of boundaries for yourself in the relationship," Good finished.
Examples of boundaries, she clarified, might include not continually engaging with someone if you have to initiate every conversation or only pursuing relationships with emotionally available people.
"By getting very clear on what we do and don't want, as well as what we will do if certain things happen, we free up a lot of our time not pursuing dead-end conversations and relationships," she said.
4. Match mindfully
Good noted how mindfulness isn't just good for your brain but your love life, too. Although it's important to trust your intuition, seeking instant gratification is unproductive, if not detrimental.
"The apps have led to a gamification of dating and this false idea that there's always something better if you keep swiping. When we look at other humans as disposable, we don't get to know them as a person, leading to unfulfilling experiences," Good said.
"If we instead switched from 'I need to find my perfect partner' to 'I want to get to know this person,' we would be able to take the experience as a chance to connect with another person and learn something about them or from them, whether it ended up being romantic or platonic," Good finished.
The bottom line
From ghosting and chumming to cringe dates and bad romances, it's easy to get discouraged. Don't lose hope. If you change your approach to dating, you can preserve your sanity and prevent exhaustion.
"Dating burnout is a reminder to prioritize self-love and self-care," Lee said. "Take time to nurture your well-being, and remember: a healthy, fulfilling relationship starts with a healthy, fulfilled individual."
