Dating Rules to Ditch (and a Few to Keep)
Key Points
- The emergence of dating apps has made finding dates easier, and society is more accepting of nontraditional relationships.
- Some argue that these outdated dating rules are manipulative, perpetuate gender biases and hinder healthy communication.
- Honesty and intentionality in communication can serve as a foundation for building trust and understanding.
"To make him feel important, you have to forget your own desires for importance," wrote Robert H. Loeb in his 1959 book "She-Manners: The Teen Girls' Book of Etiquette."
Loeb's advice hasn't aged well, but people still follow plenty of old-fashioned "dating rules" today. Let's meet some experts who will tell us why it's time to kick some of these to the curb and why others have stood the test of time.
How has dating changed?
In the past several decades, dating has dramatically changed, primarily because of shifting gender roles and evolving technology. Finding a date seems easier than ever with online apps, but the perks come with downsides. There's greater acceptance of nontraditional relationships, including nonmonogamy, more emphasis on communication and consent, and less taboo around casual couplings and premarital sex.
"In the past, there were often strict societal expectations regarding dating, such as getting married by a certain age or following a specific dating timeline," said Martha Tara Lee, D.H.S., an AASECT-certified sex educator and clinical sexologist with Eros Coaching in Singapore. "Today, many people reject these pressures and choose to prioritize their own happiness and individuality when it comes to dating and relationships."
7 dating rules to ditch
Men don't like "relatively decent" women who "lose all control of their mouths and minds" and talk about sex in bed, said Thomas D. Horton in his 1945 book "What Men Don't Like About Women."
Horton's less-than-valuable tip has (fortunately) fallen by the wayside. Some older pieces of advice that may seem less offensive are still persistent and severely outdated.
Here's a look at seven you might want to reconsider.
1. Play hard to get
The "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" strategy is outdated and manipulative. Sure, coyness can be attractive under certain circumstances, but giving your date the cold shoulder could just as easily put them off as turn them on.
"While there's a certain 'dance' to dating, playing games is never a good thing for a developing relationship," said Susan Trotter, Ph.D., a relationship coach in Natick, Massachusetts. "We are all adults. If you like someone, let them know through your words and actions."
2. Never make the first move
The idea men should always make the first move is steeped in gender biases. It perpetuates stereotypes and limits women's agency, according to Lisa Lawless, Ph.D., a clinical psychotherapist, sexologist and CEO of Holistic Wisdom in Bend, Oregon.
"Instead, both parties should feel empowered to express their desires, regardless of gender," she said.
"It's 2023," Trotter said. "Both people can feel good when someone makes a move, whether it's sending a message online, asking someone out or going in for the kiss. Life is short—why not go for it? If you wait, you might miss an opportunity for something great."
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3. Wait 3 days to text
The three-day rule—it predates texting—dictates you should wait three days after a date before making contact. Proponents say it ensures you don't look "desperate," but it's essentially playing hard to get, Lawless said.
"Starting a relationship by manipulating or concealing your feelings doesn't set the stage for a healthy connection," Lawless said.
"Plus, it's immature," Trotter said. "If you had a nice time, reach out to say so that night or the day after. If you didn't have a great time, don't ghost. Politely let them know."
4. Don't discuss serious topics
First dates should be fun—or at least make for a funny story to tell later—but that doesn't mean you have to keep serious topics off the table.
"Talking about life goals, finances and family plans early on can save both parties from investing time in a relationship that might not align with their future aspirations," said Tom Murray, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Greensboro, North Carolina.
It's perfectly healthy to broach serious subjects early, as long as you do it with tact and respect, Lawless added.
"It's best to avoid discussing previous relationships in detail in the initial stages of dating," Trotter said. "People who talk about their exes at length—especially on a first or second date—probably aren't ready to be with someone new."
5. Don't date multiple people at once
You don't want to be the subject of an "Are we dating the same guy" Facebook group, nor should you be dishonest. However, dating multiple people is OK—even encouraged—provided you're not in a committed monogamous relationship and everyone you're dating is in the know.
"It's better to date multiple people initially, and then some will fall off, and others will rise to the top," Trotter said. "Doing so keeps you from putting all your eggs in one basket before you have enough information to know if investing so fully in that person makes sense."
6. Let the guy pay for everything
In the past, men were usually expected to pay for everything, regardless of who initiated the date or their respective financial situations, Lee said.
'Honesty, respect and consent are mandatory.'
Some argue that makes sense, given the pay gap between men and women, and how much women are expected to spend on makeup, hair and clothes. However, it can also make people feel as though they "owe" their date something in return, be it physical intimacy or a second date.
To be sure, the pay gap still exists. Women who work full-time, year-round in the United States are paid an average of 83.7 percent as much as men, which amounts to a difference of $10,000 per year.
Nowadays, many people either don't mind or prefer to split the bill or take turns paying.
One survey of 300,000 people by Elite Singles indicated 62.3 percent of men thought the guy should foot the bill and 46 percent of women agreed. Thirty-one percent of women and 28.8 percent of men said they didn't mind, and 7.7 percent of men and 18 percent of women thought going Dutch was the solution.
7. Have your date pick you up at home
This might have made sense 60 years ago when most people found dates through school or family connections, public transportation was limited and few women drove. Now, it's impractical and potentially dangerous.
"Since most people are connecting online these days, this rule doesn't apply anymore," Trotter said. "It is better and safer to meet a date at a public place, like a restaurant which is well-lit and easy to get to until you know them better."
Arriving separately makes it far less awkward at the end of the night if you aren't feeling a connection.
3 rules to keep in your dating handbook
American actress and singer Mae West once said, "Don't keep a man guessing too long—he's sure to find the answer somewhere else."
Her advice applies to all genders and is just one example of a "rule" worth keeping in your dating handbook.
Here are three more.
1. Be thoughtful and respectful
You don't have to bring flowers to a first date, but polite and thoughtful gestures (regardless of gender) can go a long way.
"Being polite and respectful never goes out of style," Trotter said. "Hold doors open, wait to be seated and check to make sure your date got home safely. These actions will earn even more respect in the dating process."
It's nice to show your date you've been paying attention to things they say, Lawless said. For example, you might bring them their favorite snack or a book they said they wanted to read.
Of course, respecting boundaries and obtaining explicit consent should always be a priority, too, Murray noted.
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2. Be honest and intentional
It's not easy to tell someone how much you like them—or don't—but being honest is essential, Lee explained.
"Open and honest communication is crucial for building trust and understanding in any relationship," she said. "Being transparent about intentions, expectations and feelings can help establish a strong foundation."
"For example, if you want a second date, don't just say, 'We should do this again sometime,'" Trotter said. "Instead, try something like 'I had a great time. Let's do it again. How about next Friday?'"
Don't ghost or fizzle if you're not feeling it. Just tell them, kindly and respectfully, that it's not going to work out.
3. Take your time
There's no shame in casual sex, as long as both people are into it, but it's generally better to take things slowly if you want to develop a more serious relationship, Trotter said.
Emotional intimacy takes time to develop, and getting physical early might make you feel as though you're more connected than you really are. Conflating the two could sabotage the relationship.
"Taking things slow lets you see the person more clearly and make sound judgments based on who they are and not how hot or not they are," said Paula Pardel, the CEO of Bloom Matchmaking in Richmond, Virginia. "And, of course, the buildup is always exciting."
That doesn't mean you shouldn't discuss sex if you feel comfortable doing so. Having open, honest conversations can save you a lot of time and frustration if your desires don't align.
Additionally, it's wise to take a break from dating when you need to focus on personal growth or self-care, Lee said.
The bottom line
"Dating 'rules' can vary depending on cultural and personal perspectives," Lee said. "Although some, such as honesty, respect and consent, are mandatory, regardless. Others are more guidelines than hard-and-fast rules.
So you do you, as long as it's not hurting anyone else. Ultimately, the goal is to promote inclusivity, respect and individual agency in dating and relationships."
