How Do TikTok's 'Delusionships' Tap Into the Issue of Unrequited Love?
Key Points
- 'Delusionships' are a recent TikTok trend, a combination of relationships and delusion.
- They're related to unrequited love but can be far more unhealthy for a person's well-being.
- A delusionship isn't a simple crush; it can lead to social isolation and affect someone's real-life friendships and relationships.
Another day, another new TikTok online dating trend—and this one isn't just TikTok health misinformation. Now introducing the delusionship: the trend that sees people opening up about an all-consuming one-sided relationship.
Many of the people trapped in these unrequited love fantasies obsess over little details about the other person's behavior, convincing themselves that the relationship could become a reality. Ultimately, these fantasies often stop them from pursuing real relationships.
We spoke to two psychologists to find out why we fall into delusionships and, more importantly, how we can get out of them.
What is a delusionship?
If you haven't already guessed, 'delusionship' combines the words delusion and relationship.
While the delusionship may sound like a very extreme and rare version of the innocent crush, the hashtag #delusionship has already racked up almost 30 million views. It seems this kind of all-consuming, unrequited love is all too common.
"It is used to describe a situation where one or both partners in a romantic relationship are living in a state of delusion or illusion about the nature of the relationship," said Becky Spelman, H.C.P.C., a psychologist and the founder of Private Therapy Clinic in the United Kingdom. "One or both individuals may have unrealistic expectations, deny or ignore red flags, or create a false narrative about the relationship's health and potential."
In some cases, a delusionship can refer to a relationship that isn't rooted in reality at all. It describes "a dynamic where one partner is literally deluding themself about the status of the relationship," said Jenn Kennedy, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of the Pleasure Project and Riviera Therapy in Santa Barbara, California.
"They typically think the relationship is more important or the other person is more committed than what is actually happening," Kennedy said.
It's not just a case of your brain on hot people acting up.
A delusionship is more than a lust-driven crush. When you form a delusionship, you have an idealized image of your relationship (or lack of relationship) with the other person, and your brain even creates the real feeling of falling in love—even though the other person may not be in the same place in the relationship that you are.
What's the difference between a situationship and a delusionship?
The term 'situationship' is also floating around on TikTok. It is not to be confused with a delusionship.
"A situationship refers to a relationship that lacks clear definition or commitment," Spelman said.
It is, however, a reciprocal relationship that is rooted in reality.
A delusionship is often nothing more than a comforting daydream.
"A delusionship involves one or both partners living in a state of delusion or illusion about the nature of the relationship," Spelman said. "While situationships can evolve into more defined relationships with open communication, delusionships are typically unhealthy and can prevent individuals from recognizing and addressing issues within the relationship."
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Is erotomania similar to a delusionship?
Erotomania is when someone deludes themself into believing someone else is in love with them. Although it's a similar concept to a delusionship, it's not the same.
"Erotomania is an individual's psychological disorder, and a delusionship is a relationship dynamic between two or more individuals," Spelman said. "It is possible for someone with erotomania to be involved in a delusionship, but not all delusionships involve erotomania."
Do more women develop crushes that turn into delusionships than men do?
Currently, little scientific research into the delusionship phenomenon exists. While TikTok may show us more women claiming to be in a delusionship, there is little proof that women have more delusionships than men.
"It is difficult to know whether women develop crushes that turn into delusionships more than men do," Spelman said. "Delusionships can occur in both men and women, as well as individuals of any gender identity."
Disorders such as erotomania do tend to occur in women more frequently than in men, Spelman said.
There is not enough evidence to prove that women are more prone to delusionships, Kennedy said.
"Men and women can both find themselves in delusionships," she said. "They may want someone to like them so badly that they believe it to be true or be inexperienced at interpersonal dynamics and misread situations."
Why do women fall into delusionships?
Women tend to strategize about relationships more than men, which may lead them to fall into delusionships, according to Kennedy.
"However, both can pine over unrequited love [and form delusions as a result]," she said.
The following are the four main reasons why women (and men) can fall into delusionships, Spelman said:
- Unmet emotional need. A desire for love, companionship or validation can cause an individual to create a false narrative or to form unrealistic expectations about a relationship in order to fulfill these emotional needs.
- Low self-esteem. If an individual has difficulty recognizing and accepting their own worth, they may seek validation from others. The people who reject us can lead to this feeling.
- Unresolved traumas or attachment issues. Someone falling into a delusionship may be drawn to familiar dynamics or have difficulty distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
- Social pressure. Social expectations, cultural norms and media portrayals of romantic relationships can have an influence on an individual's perceptions and expectations of relationships.
Is a delusionship kind of like unrequited love?
Although delusionships are a type of unrequited love, not all unrequited love leads to the unhealthy habit of delusionships.
Delusionships may be fun in the moment—it can feel good to indulge in a comforting fantasy—but in the long run, they can cause a lot of pain and even affect your life and relationships.
"Unrequited love is where someone has romantic feelings for another but those feelings are not reciprocated by the other person," Spelman said. "While delusionships and unrequited love both involve one person's feelings not being reciprocated, a delusionship is based on false beliefs or delusions, whereas unrequited love is based on genuine feelings that are not returned."
In other words, it's possible to feel unrequited love and understand that the other person does not, and will not, return your feelings. If you do start to form delusions, you may find your unrequited love becomes a delusionship.
What's the danger of women getting caught up in a delusionship?
A delusionship isn't an innocent crush. Indulging in daydreams about another person and convincing yourself that you have a real relationship with them can be an extremely unhealthy habit to develop.
Not only can it lead to unnecessary heartbreak, it can begin to affect your real-life relationships. You may alienate friends or shut yourself off to other romantic possibilities.
"The delusion is often broken when you see the person with someone else via social media or in person, and you feel confusion and even humiliation," Kennedy said, explaining that delusionships can lead to psychological trauma.
A delusionship could lead you to make bad decisions based on your false beliefs.
"This could result in social isolation and strained relationships," Spelman said. "You may invest a significant amount of time, energy and resources into the delusionship, which could take you away from other aspects of your life, such as work or personal growth."
The bottom line
Delusionships may be fun in the moment—it can feel good to indulge in a comforting fantasy—but in the long run, they can cause a lot of pain and even affect your life and relationships.
TikTok often promotes unscientific trends, such as TikTok birth control misinformation. If you are tempted to indulge in a delusionship or normalize this behavior because of the trend, take a step back and reassess.
"If you are experiencing delusions, or if you know someone who is, it is recommended to seek professional help to address and manage the underlying mental health condition causing these false beliefs," Spelman said.
