A Glimpse into a BDSM Bondage Session
Editor's note: Some sources for this article requested their full names and locations not be used.
The first time Phil, a now-46-year-old man in the United Kingdom, visited a professional dominatrix—someone who performed BDSM bondage on him—was after separating from his first wife.
"I think most people would describe me as being confident, outgoing and 'alpha'—hate the word—in my overt life," he said. "But for me, I want to feel inferior, I want to feel subjugated and I want to serve."
Until then, Phil enjoyed a submissive role with his dominating ex. When separation deprived him of a woman to submit to, he decided to enlist the services of a pro. At the time, the internet was in its infancy, so Phil found his dominatrix in the pages of a contact magazine, a sort of British classifieds.
After making the phone call and arriving promptly at the scheduled time, Phil met his mistress. Phil described her as beautiful, with "captivating eyes and brilliant natural red hair." Physical attraction is essential, he noted: "I need to feel a real sexual attraction to my domme, even knowing she is way beyond me."
After leading him into her "dungeon"—a large room with a double bed, gynecological chair, two whipping benches, a throne and a cage—the mistress sat him down on the bed to chat. "She focuses on putting you at ease," he remembered.
Phil requested to do chores, as domestic service is one of his favorite submissive activities.
"[The mistress] was really present as I did her housework," he recalled. "She understood what I wanted and, crucially, what I thought I wanted. She was also clear in what she wanted, so it was a two-way street [and] not simply transactional."
Phil has since remarried but continues to visit his mistress from time to time.
"I have been genuinely surprised at how deep the engagements have become with my pro dommes," Phil said. "Like any relationship, there is the good, the bad and the indifferent. You need to work through the bad and endure the indifferent to discover the good. It takes time. It's an investment."
Phil isn't alone in his desire to be dominated
About 93 percent of women and 81 percent of men report fantasizing about being sexually dominated, according to a survey of 4,175 Americans conducted by Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., for his book "Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life."
Mistress Porcelain Midnight, a San Diego-based professional dominatrix of 15-plus years, said she receives thousands of email requests each day, all from prospective clients hoping to be dominated, humiliated and controlled. Of the requests, she accepts a tiny fraction—and only after they submit a deposit and pass a rigorous vetting process.
Before approving a hopeful sub, Mistress Porcelain cross-checks references with other dominatrixes, conducts background checks and reviews social media accounts.
"I look for any red flags to see if this is someone who I want to invite into my own personal private space," she said. "Not everyone politically or legally agrees with what [dominatrixes] do."
In terms of protocol, Mistress Porcelain emphasized the importance of arriving on time, showering and bearing tribute or a gift to vow your obedience.
"If you want to impress your mistress [with a gift], you might want to ask what she prefers," she said. "Some mistresses prefer wine, some prefer cash."
She noted many mistresses request a COVID-19 vaccine card and added that she is still conducting sessions in an N95 mask.
At the top of the session, Mistress Porcelain establishes safe words. She discusses requests, likes and dislikes and physical and health limitations.
"I make sure that you're mentally, physically and emotionally ready to play," she said, stressing that she doesn't play with anyone under the influence of alcohol or drugs because they can't really give consent.
A typical session can last anywhere from one to three hours, she said.
"I have clients that will fly in from out of town and want to do like a whole weekend or even longer," she said. "They'll want to do an immersive experience. It's like a vacation for them."
In terms of what goes on during the session, Mistress Porcelain said it depends on the level of experience and the desired activities. The number one requested activity, hands down, she said, is strap-on play.
"Men are just obsessed with giant dildos," she said.
Distant seconds to anal play are foot fetish play, impact play, cock-and-ball torture (CBT) and latex or leather play. Bondage is also popular, especially shibari, a type of Japanese rope bondage and Mistress Porcelain's specialty.
It's a way to enter another realm
"Now, more than ever, people are looking for a mental escape—sometimes more than physical," she said. "I'm seeing people really want to push their limits. People want to experiment more."
Mistress Porcelain dedicates the end of a BDSM bondage session to aftercare, where the submissive is cared for and nurtured.
"I focus on bringing the session down to a place where those happy endorphins have kicked in," she said.
She highlighted the importance of self-care in the aftermath of a visit.
"I always advise the person I'm playing with to make sure when they go home, they eat and stay hydrated," Mistress Porcelain said.
"I really do genuinely care about the people that I session with," she continued. "I always like to make sure that they're taken care of when they leave—physically and mentally."
