The Many Perks of Platonic Love
Love may not be all you need, but it's definitely important. It feels amazing and can bolster health, improve life satisfaction and even boost longevity. And we're not just talking about romantic love here, as platonic love or deep, close friendships bear these qualities, too.
"Not all close relationships are sexual or romantic in nature, and they can be just as meaningful," said Jillian Amodio, M.S.W., a social worker in Annapolis, Maryland, and the founder of Moms for Mental Health.
Although romance underlines the core relationship in most people's lives, platonic relationships can provide certain things a romantic one may not, including the freedom to be completely authentic without fear of rejection and a safe haven to turn to when romantic love fades.
Moreover, platonic relationships—generally nonsexual by nature—pose no risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), unintended pregnancy or infidelity. For some people, these intimate friendships even fulfill needs traditionally reserved for romantic relations.
Platonic relationships can provide certain things a romantic one may not, including the freedom to be completely authentic without fear of rejection.
Brought into the limelight in 2021 by April Lee and Renee Wong, a platonic life pair with more than 51,700 TikTok followers, platonic life partnerships (PLPs) are part of a broader trend of people rethinking "love" and challenging conventions in the modern era. But the concept of friends committing to one another for life, sans romance, is nothing new.
"Boston marriages" of the late 19th and early 20th centuries, in which two wealthy women shared a home and household while forgoing traditional marriage, is one example. Some say "The Golden Girls" TV show is another, albeit fictional, illustration of what a PLP can be.
Even if you aren't sold on the idea of buying a home with your bestie, there are plenty of reasons to invest in, and prioritize, platonic love.
What is platonic love?
Romance takes many forms, not all of which are physical. James Miller, L.P.C., a psychotherapist in Miami and the host of the "James Miller Lifeology" podcast, said romantic love is generally rooted in a physiological, chemical connection which entails a level of intimacy and compatibility beyond friendship. Platonic love is an intimate friendship without romance.
Named after its originator, the Greek philosopher Plato, the concept of platonic love traditionally referred to a relationship between two people of the opposite sex who are not sexually attracted to each other. Nowadays, it can pertain to bonds between people of any sex, gender and sexual orientation.
Though it's uncommon, some experts say platonic relationships can be sexual, provided neither party harbors romantic feelings toward the other.
"Platonic love is more than just friendship," Amodio said. "This type of love is quite intimate and deep in its own way. Many people find that words like 'friends' are simply inadequate when it comes to expressing the depth and value of their closest nonsexual relationships. Platonic relationships are almost like a type of soulmate, a person who completes or complements you in some way, a person who you love dearly, confide in and have total trust in. These relationships allow us to express our human desires for connection, acceptance and love."
Physical health benefits of friendships
Several studies have found people with strong social ties tend to live longer, healthier lives than people who are lonely. Prolonged social isolation increases the risk of early demise by 50 percent, the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes per day, according to the National Institute on Aging. The reasons are likely psychological as much as physical.
Research has shown loneliness—as opposed to being alone—is strongly correlated with anxiety, depression and stress, all of which can adversely impact multiple facets of health, including cardiovascular and gut function, insulin regulation and immunity. Conversely, people who feel cared for, and care for others in return, tend to be less susceptible to mental and physical illnesses.
"Biologically, we see that the more human connection and strong relationships a person has, the healthier their immune system and their ability to recover from disease is improved," said Briana Severine, M.S., founder of Sanare Psychosocial Rehabilitation in Denver.
Research has also demonstrated a connection between loneliness, social isolation and cognitive decline. People who are socially isolated are about 50 percent more susceptible to dementia later in life, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
Importantly, loneliness is not the same as being alone, nor does being alone equate to social isolation, according to research. Some alone time is beneficial and necessary, and people can be alone without feeling lonely or socially isolated. Loneliness—that is, the feeling of being alone—can occur regardless of the amount of social contact a person has. Social isolation entails having few social contacts or little opportunity or ability to engage regularly with others.
Mental health benefits
Having a sense of love, acceptance and support can improve mental health in myriad ways, beginning on a cellular level. Feeling loved and loving others increases levels of dopamine and oxytocin, chemicals in the brain associated with happiness, satisfaction, motivation and social connectivity. Maintaining healthy dopamine levels can reduce the risk of stress, depression and anxiety, as well as improve sleep, while having sufficient oxytocin can alleviate stress and anxiety, increase pain tolerance and promote healing.
All forms of love can be beneficial, but platonic friendships are a source of unconditional love, a particular form that more often occurs in families than romantic partnerships. This type of intimacy and affection entails not just accepting another person but loving them regardless of what they do or provide for you. Although many people receive unconditional love from a parent or sibling, receiving it from a chosen family member or platonic friend can be equally if not more rewarding.
"Familial relationships can often have tension or trauma that outside relationships don't have," Severine explained. "Even when familial relationships don't have complicating patterns, ultimately, these aren't people that you chose, they are people you were born into. Often there are personality traits, values, interests or other things that draw you to people that perhaps your family members don't have."
Platonic relationships can also increase general enjoyment in life, provide a sense of belonging and offer new perspectives.
"One of the great things is it helps people have a better perspective of their life," Miller said. "If I continue to have negative self-talk and all I hear is myself saying something to myself over and over again, well, that's what I'm going to believe. The great thing about a platonic, healthy friendship and relationship is you get a broader perspective of your life, a broader perspective of ways in which you interact in the world."
Close friendships, and the perspectives they provide, can also inspire you to make healthier decisions and pursue goals and dreams, he continued.
"One of my favorite quotes is, 'You can't hang out with chickens and expect to soar with eagles,'" Miller said. "The great thing about having a platonic friendship is that it's healthy for you, it inspires you, it motivates you and it helps you move from one developmental place in your life to the next."
How platonic relationships benefit romantic ones
All of the experts agreed that despite Hollywood tropes suggesting otherwise, one person can't fulfill your every need and expecting them to do so could put undue pressure on the relationship. Platonic friendships can support romantic ones by satisfying unmet emotional wants and needs in a healthy way.
"Good relationships can complement one another," Amodio said. "A friend might provide a specific social outlet or a person to vent to who might have a different perspective or fulfill a different role than our romantic partner. They can be someone who we trust enough to confide in about our most intimate relationships and to seek insight and advice from. It would be impossible to expect one relationship in our life, especially our romantic relationships, to fulfill every desire, every need and every interest in our lives. That would be exhausting to be on the receiving end. Friendships can help create balance in our romantic lives."
Platonic relationships can also help to preserve a partnered person's independence and autonomy, Miller explained. This is essential, as without this "buffer," a romantic pairing can become unhealthy, toxic and codependent.
"When you have the buffer, it allows for both parties in a romantic relationship to really enjoy each other and to have that break and to reset," he added. "When you don't have that reset, then people start to cycle and they become very frustrated and agitated. That's why platonic relationships are so important."
Platonic friendships—including nonsexual ones—can even enhance your sex life, Miller noted. If you've ever felt fired up after listening to a friend recounting their salacious Saturday night, you know it's true.
"When you have a great conversation with them, there's a lot of spiciness that can be a part of the conversation," Miller said. "So it allows for people to have different ideas of how they want to have sex or intimacy, physical intimacy with their partner. A really good way to expand one's horizons is having open and honest conversations with peers."
A 2018 study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health indicated talking about sex with peers may improve a person's sexual well-being and confidence as well. Researchers surveyed 617 women and found those who talked to peers about sex typically reported higher levels of sexual self-efficacy and sexual self-esteem. Researchers concluded that conversations with friends could be a valuable way to gather sexual health information outside a healthcare context, provided those friends are equipped with accurate and empowering information.
Moreover, people who have fulfilling and healthy friendships may be less likely to look for romantic love in the wrong places, or for the wrong reasons, diminishing the risk of unsafe sexual encounters and unhealthy partnerships.
How to keep it platonic
Several studies have investigated whether people of opposite sexes can remain friends for a prolonged period without the relationship turning sexual or romantic. Many have concluded it's unlikely, but not impossible.
Though more research is needed to assess whether this holds true for non-cisgender heterosexual pairings, if there's any chance you or your platonic bestie could develop feelings for the other, it's best to be proactive. If you want to keep a relationship platonic, Miller recommended that it's best to be clear about that intention, establish boundaries early on and maintain those boundaries throughout.
If it feels as though the platonic feeling isn't mutual, he suggested addressing it head-on or not acknowledging the advance, thus, reaffirming the unspoken boundary. If the person persists against your wishes, however, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship, as it could become unhealthy.
And if you're the one catching more-than-friendly feelings, it's probably best to 'fess up and be honest. If your friend doesn't reciprocate, respect their wishes. It may be necessary to step away or establish further boundaries—such as no physical contact—to preserve the friendship. But if they do reciprocate, be prepared to talk openly about the kind of relationship you both want moving forward, whether that's "friends with benefits" or a committed partnership.
You've heard it before, but communication is key.
