Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Can I Be Friends With My Ex?
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor, based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you have questions you want answered in future columns, email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
Enough about me, let's talk sex.
I really like my current partner but it's not going to work out. Can I split with them and still keep them as a friend?
Scott in Mississippi
I like to look at relationships as ever-evolving and ever-growing. Sometimes relationships evolve together and sometimes they evolve apart. The key to maintaining a friendship is to decide if you and your partner are willing to allow the relationship to evolve, regardless of the title.
I personally thrive under the role of relationship anarchist, which essentially means f**k the titles and labels and focus on the purpose.
Think about your intentions for breaking up with the commitment label and what you hope to include in the new version of your relationship. I know I've been in what I call partnerships that were romantic and/or sexual in nature, which needed to evolve for many variables such as timing or different aspirations, sexual desires or just basic wants and needs.
It's rare to find someone who gets you and allows you to be yourself, feel heard and understood, and who's easy enough to just have fun with.
Be aware of your intentions for the dynamic, not just yourself. Many of us have difficulty with clean-cut ties and closure, so think about what and who you are investing in and be sure this is not just an excuse for avoiding closure. In the end, if the friendship is meant to be, then trust the process and continue to build each other up with support and love.
For almost two years, we tried to have a baby and our sex lives became that. Now I have a wonderful baby daughter but our sex life is in shambles.
Chris in Nevada
So many couples, whether it's a long-term relationship or you've just met, have an inclination toward excitement when trying (or not necessarily trying) to conceive. Creating new life can feel like a special bond, but let's be real, everybody loves a baby, but nobody asks for something that can damage your sex life.
Bringing a new life into a relationship can be seen as a trauma because of all the changes and transitions that come with the adjustment physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and especially financially. As a mother myself, I can relate to the female anatomy of sexuality and all that having a baby entails, but as an expert in men's sexual health, guys, frumpy grumpy just scratches the surface of sexual deprivation.
Becoming new parents creates elements of anxiety, sleepless nights and days, physical insecurities, vaginal dryness, petty arguments and chaos. And that's just to touch on a few variables.
I have three tips for you to practice:
- Initiate desire. Desire is the idea that we feel wanted, seen, heard and loved. Nobody feels sexy after having a baby. The basic nature of sexuality is reproduction but the psychology of craving sex from your partner goes a few steps above biology. Compliment things like effort and strengths rather than looks. Acknowledge gratitude for every tiny thing even if it feels cheesy such as opening doors, bath time or the way each of you gazes at your new little one.
- You can't be healthy parents without saving space to be a healthy couple. You came first, literally. This is not the time to save face and look pretty. This is the time to bond over being tired together, second-guessing why you wanted this bundle of crazy and truly connect with empathy. As you go through this transition together as a team and not as adversaries, appreciate the nap-time affection and cuddles while the baby is tucked away (even if it is 12 inches away). This transition is tough but beautiful and can be what enhances your relationship.
- Know the boundaries. Vaginal dryness. Erectile softness. Fatigue. Guilt, endless parent guilt. Fear of missing out (FOMO). Having a baby changes your life in many ways, but it is temporary. Much of your lifestyle can remain while your baby adapts to you. If you love concerts that are outdoors, buy noise-canceling headphones and bring the baby along. If your passion is to travel, buy a portable breast pump and tote the baby along with you. They even allow little humans into deserted beaches (trust me, I've brought along a 4-month-old to a secret beach in Hawaii).
Sex, intercourse, love and connection all derive from maintaining that priority of being a couple, and this baby was created from passion and should thrive in an environment that includes even more passion.
I want to try some remote sex toys, as my partner lives in another state, but I want to continue to have some sexy time.
Tyler in Maine
Distance does amazing things for the sexual connection in a relationship. The idea of craving and missing your partner has such an impact. But technology allows video chats, which have changed everything when it comes to better communication, keeping up and being sexual.
Sex toys can be taboo for some folks. They may see them as a threat to their own status in the relationship or even a comment on their "performance." Realistically sex toys enhance stimuli and pelvic floor engorgement. And, yes, they can make sexy time with distance more enhanced.
Some great examples for enhancing and keeping a sustainable sex playtime with a long-distance partner might include toys for her, toys for him, and always, some amazing lube that is compatible with your sex toy material.
Start by scheduling some good times to have a chat without the expectation of playtime. This allows you to have time and space to catch up, read the room, validate each other's days and moods, and ultimately reunite.
Next, set the stage. Having a negotiation about what each of you wants and feels comfortable doing is important. Contrary to the belief that it is over-planned or removes spontaneity, it actually removes any fear, guilt, doubt and anxiety.
Lastly, be sure both of you are gaining from the use of sex toys while self-pleasuring during phone or video playtime. If only one of you feels pleasure, the other may not want to engage. This is not meant to be a replacement for in-person play sessions with each other, but if you are both willing to commit to a relationship with distance, that is incredibly brave and passionate. So why not make the most and keep that sexual fire burning?
That was the long answer. Shorter answer: Yes, toys are always fun.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please send your questions to askgiddy@getmegiddy.com.
