Sensate Focus Therapy May Improve Your Sex Life
Sexual intimacy comes in all shapes and sizes. While many of us assume sex revolves around penetration, there's a lot more to it—by better understanding your own sexuality and sensuality, you'll begin to unlock a whole new approach to intimacy that doesn't primarily focus on penetration or completion.
Ashley, a 24-year-old writer from Atlanta, suffers from vaginismus, a condition that causes the vagina to clench up, making penetrative sex painful. When she heard about sensate focus therapy, she was intrigued.
"I looked it up and thought it sounded sexy and intimate," she explained. "I was also looking for a new way to be intimate since I have vaginismus and don't like to be penetrated."
What is sensate focus therapy?
Sensate focus therapy is a sex therapy technique that asks couples to perform a series of "touching and discovery" exercises designed to remove anxiety or negativity related to sexual activity. If you find yourself feeling disconnected from your body, judgmental or analytical about yourself or your partner during sex, or even worried about intimacy, this technique can help.
The practice was originally created by William Masters and Virginia Johnson in the 1960s and has since become a widely recognized technique.
Sensate focus aims to use mindfulness and tactile practice to slowly peel away unhelpful expectations and anxieties related to sex, teach the body to respond to touch and stimulation naturally, and encourage a physical and mental state of relaxation. It should help you feel more connected to your own body and your partner's body.
"It's a way of focusing on sensations and sensuality rather than goal-oriented sexual touch," said Sarrah Rose, an Arizona-based certified tantric sex, love and relationship coach. "It deepens the experience as partners notice moment to moment what is happening, and as they do this, they can actually feel more."
How does it work?
As a 2019 study in Clinical Therapeutics showed, sensate focus can help with cases of sexual anxiety and sexual dysfunction. Additionally, it could help resolve anxiety and negativity related to physical or emotional trauma, or a physical condition such as vaginismus. According to a survey published in 2021 by Blueheart, couples who tried the technique felt 72 percent more physically connected and 105 percent more satisfied with their physical intimacy.
Traditionally, sensate focus therapy usually involves a sequence of five structured exercises. A sex therapist trained in the technique should be able to help you learn said exercises so you and your partner can practice them at home in privacy and at your own pace.
The five steps as outlined in "Heterosexuality" by William Masters and Virginia Johnson are known as:
- Nongenital touching
- Genital touching
- Adding lotion
- Mutual touching
- Sensual intercourse
Before beginning with the five stages, it's important for people to feel relaxed, safe and undistracted. At any point during the five stages, either person should be able to stop the process if they feel uncomfortable.
As Masters and Johnson wrote, "These exercises rely upon extensive, unimpeded skin-to-skin contact. Nudity is optimal, but if it’s not possible, avoid constricting clothing."
The steps to incorporate sensate practice into your life include exploratory, kind and sensitive touch, rather than overtly sexual.
Nongenital touching
In the first stage, one person acts as the "toucher" while the other acts as the "receiver." The toucher should spend 15 minutes touching their partner. The receiver should focus on shutting off the analytical part of the brain to better pay attention to experience and sensation. After 15 minutes, the roles are swapped.
Genital touching
In the second stage, the toucher is able to include the breasts and genitals. However, kissing and penetration are still off-limits. In this stage, the toucher should try to remain curious and sensual with their exploration rather than trying to touch their partner in a sexual way. The aim should not be orgasm, but it may occur naturally.
Adding lotion
In the third stage, lotion or oil can be added in order to create new sensations for the toucher and the receiver.
Mutual touching
After both parties act as the toucher and the receiver for stages one and two, it's time for simultaneous touching. Again, try to keep things exploratory.
"While arousal may happen, it is still not the goal or the focus," Rose explained. "There is no kissing or intercourse in this step."
Sensual intercourse
The final stage is known as sensual intercourse. During this stage, mutual genital touching is permitted, however, try to avoid going straight into old habits and having sexual intercourse. Instead, experiment with new ways of touching and try to really experience the physical sensations that arise.
What to expect
After going through the five steps of sensate focus with her girlfriend, Ashley learned to enjoy the process of being intimate and slowly began to let go of her expectations of what "sex" should look like. Even though she admitted "it can be a little awkward," Ashley's approach to intimacy has changed.
Plus, she and her girlfriend have learned some new techniques that work well for them—and don't necessarily involve penetration.
"I've done it twice, and I especially love feeling my girlfriend scratch my back and take her time touching my body all over," she explained. "I'm so glad I tried it."
