Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Fantasizing About My Partner's Brother
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor, based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
Enough about me, let's talk sex.
Me and my partner have been together for about five years and I have no interest in having sex with him anymore. I still find him attractive and I know it's not my sex drive because I constantly fantasize about a sexual relationship with his brother. (I know!) Is something wrong with me?
Heather in New Mexico
Oh, fantasies! Don't you just love them? Well, until they become a pebble in your shoe and make you think you're crazy.
I want to break down this answer into three parts:
- Fantasies and what they're about.
- Boredom and monotony in a long-term relationship.
- The brother.
To start, sexual fantasies are filled with excitement, danger, pleasure and the freedom to tap into the wild sexual beings we are. I personally love the fantasy of being walked in on by an ex of my partner's, while he's going down on me, just to fulfill the idea that I am good enough and they lost the best thing that ever lived.
However, I would never wish this upon anyone's reality and I would never want to create pain or hurt in the real world.
And that's the fun part about a fantasy: It's abstract. Having a sexual fantasy that boosts the orgasm or one that allows you to squirt manifests an individual accomplishment for remaining loyal to your lover and getting off on your little tidbit of fun.
The difficult piece worth acknowledging in your case is your desire for your partner has dwindled, not your sex drive. Desire is what I consider to be the role play and foreplay to keep you motivated in your bond and connection within the relationship. Sure, your boyfriend is hot and yes he is easy on the eyes for you, but without intimacy and friendship, the gap in lust can prove detrimental.
I encourage you to remove the idea of his looks for now and focus on what matters to you most.
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- A Guide to Sharing Your Sexual Fantasies for the Cripplingly Anxious: Yes, you can reveal your secret, spicy daydreams—even if the thought makes you cringe.
- Can Erotic Fiction Improve Your Sex Life?: There's a reason this story genre is booming on the internet: Erotica has its benefits.
- Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Is going to bed angry OK?
What does love look like to you and how do you recognize it when you are receiving and giving it? Although it doesn't hurt that my partner is pretty to look at, looks don't go far with me. I need to laugh until my rib cage hurts. I want to dance awkwardly until one or both of us might fall over. I want to snuggle, appreciate life, have a political discussion (full of intelligence, not ignorance) and overall, my biggest turn-on for desire is that they remember the little things about me.
Desire is what intimacy and connection are based on but desire is also a key role in maintaining a self-sustaining relationship.
Boredom is difficult to overcome without a healthy dose of check-ins and open honest communication about wants and needs in life and sex. The best solution to remove monotony is that of fantasy and sharing how, as a couple, you can explore sexual variety.
You may not agree on the translation of literal fantasy language and details into reality, but more than likely, you will align on some variables that may assist in spicing up your sexual playtime together.
As for the brother, I have about 3,000 words in commentary for this fantasy but I promise you this—nothing is wrong with you, you are not weird, yes, this is common and who did you meet first?
If we are looking at a case of, "I settled for the brother that wanted me," then we are also navigating settling in general. If we are considering feeling heard, seen and understood within the family, I may lean more toward a fantasy of solid attachment or a yearning for stability.
Let your fantasies be understood and accepted while taking a clearer look at what you have learned in the last five years and how you want to use the knowledge to grow in your own holistic identity. Life is short but days are long.
Although nothing is wrong with you, there may be aspects of your relationship, sexually anyway, which are unfulfilling. Explore them. Discuss them. Things can always be better.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.
