Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Masturbation in a Relationship?
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor, based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, email them to askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
Enough about me, let's talk sex.
I'm in a relationship. Is it still OK to masturbate?
Anabel in New Jersey
Yes. It is always OK to masturbate. The sexual relationship you have with yourself should always come first, and there are several health benefits associated with masturbating. Even so, I’ll address some typical myths and conflicts with being in a partner relationship.
Let's start with the benefits of masturbating. Self-pleasure is a healthy stress-relief activity and represents a release of energy in general. I hate to kill the sex vibe here, but it's as natural as people pooping. Some people poop once a week while others go three to four times a day. You know what your body needs, so listen to it.
A common myth I hear from people is that masturbation represents a lack of sexual satisfaction with a partner. For men, masturbation can increase libido and reduce performance anxiety, so realistically, masturbation represents a sense of satisfaction with a partner. If women want to masturbate right after sex or any time in between, this is a great sign of feeling sexually energized and turned on, so good job to you.
The hope is that in your relationship, masturbation is not seen as a threat. Most couples don’t understand what self-pleasure means to their partners. If you are feeling insecure or worried, it can help to utilize the trust you have with each other and just address the concerns directly.
How do I know if my partner is happy with our relationship? They seem to be, but are there any surefire signs that it's going great?
Peter in California
Oh my goodness, it can be so scary to find someone who is gorgeous, smart and sexy, and wonder why the heck they chose you. I feel like we have all been in a position of wanting to know if our partner is happy with us. Realistically, this question comes from our own negative self-talk and insecurities. Here are some tips for working through these thoughts.
Surefire signs are right in front of you, so be observant rather than obsessively looking for what might be wrong. Partners who are fulfilled in relationships smile, laugh, flirt with you, offer affection and most of all, show gratitude toward the time you spend together.
Our own intrusive thoughts that come from our past can be detrimental, because if we start to act on them without reason, we will, in fact, push our happy partners away.
If you’ve been cheated on, approach this relationship with what you’ve learned but not with an assumption that something's wrong with you and this partner will do it to you again.
If you have performance anxiety during sex, it's OK to tell your partner what you have gone through. Do it with the intention of learning from them what they like and how they want to engage with you.
Do you want a sign that tells all? Watch their eyes. Nonverbal validation is often missed and holds so many truths about how they feel about you and where the relationship is going. Watch their eyes when you talk, have sex and go on dates. Most importantly, watch their eyes when you have the time and space when it is just the two of you. Those eyes will tell you everything you want to know.
Knowing yourself and embracing some self-confidence will help you sustain and keep this amazing relationship. The focus can’t only be on if they're happy. You need to open up yourself to the idea that you get to be happy, too.
I feel like every time I meet a nice girl who I really like, I get put in the 'friend zone.' Is something wrong with me?
Jack in Illinois
This question is so relatable. There’s a billion-dollar entertainment industry with coming-of-age movies and decades of brilliant love and hate songs that address this all-too-common theme. So let's acknowledge a few things:
- Your efforts and how they serve you and them
- The purpose of the relationship
- The honesty of your intentions you convey from the beginning
Your nice efforts may just be who you naturally are, and you should never be ashamed of your natural gifts and strengths. It is OK to offer your best self, but look out for what is being reciprocated. If your efforts start to feel one-sided, take a minute to consider what they want and like about you, and what you really like about them.
Every relationship serves a purpose, and not all relationships need to be full of sex or romance, so pay attention to what each of you is looking for. The best relationships in life that last forever are sometimes sexless but have the most passion. Be forthcoming about your thoughts and intentions and ask them what they are looking for from you.
I would rather make an educated choice moving forward than invest in false hopes.
Last, I believe your intentions are important to convey. If you just want sex or they just want a new BFF, be upfront. Some of the best long-term or lifelong relationships come from friendships that evolve. This doesn’t imply that something is wrong with either of you. It simply indicates a different connection, which still holds great value.
We are all guilty of loving someone who doesn’t feel the same way about us and leading on people who we enjoy the company of but who we don’t see as sexual or romantic connections.
All of us deserve the balance of love, sex and friendship. Focus on being exactly who you are and owning your qualities just as they come. Truth can be very rewarding.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please send your questions to askgiddy@getmegiddy.com.
