Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: My Dates Suck. What Can I Do?
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
Enough about me, let's talk sex.
I've been trying dating apps and I feel like I am being genuine and myself, but the conversations don't seem to go anywhere. When I do finally get to meet up in person, even if it goes well on the date, it seems like it eventually plateaus. What am I doing wrong?
Eleanor in Florida
Let's start by acknowledging that online dating and dating apps have become more complicated in the aftermath of COVID-19.
Here are a few points to keep in mind for better success with online dating:
- Know your intentions.
- Learn how to ask open-ended questions that provide you with information important to you moving forward.
- This, like any other dating experience, has a learning curve.
Intentions play a huge role in any kind of dating, whether it be casual or as part of a search for a life partner. Especially with online dating, it's important to remember some people view this as entertainment and use dating apps to overcome boredom or loneliness.
Honestly, I am very OG when it comes to dating and meeting new people, so my preference is to find friendships that may or may not evolve in places I naturally frequent. Proximity has so many truths.
Open-ended questions asked thoughtfully allow us to learn more about a person without being too intrusive but also help skip any BS. Here are a couple of questions I like to lead with:
- What brings you to the area?
- What kind of music are you into?
In asking the first one, I want to know if they have a job, and especially if they're a transplant or are here temporarily for education. Their answer tells me something important about their work ethic, career, current job and ambition. If they are from the area, I get to learn about their family dynamic, how close or not they are to their family, and perhaps gain a better understanding of their relationship and attachment style.
The music question is my personal favorite because I always spend my extra money and time attending concerts. Of course, you don't have to ask about music. This question is targeted at hobbies and interests, and maybe a little about how much this person really knows themselves.
If they answer with a bland response like "I like all music," then I have no problem following up with a question about the last concert they attended. If it was three years ago or if they hate live music, I get to learn so much more about their social anxiety, what they do and don't like, and some initial pointers for whether or not we'll ever be a good fit.
These are examples of what I mean about this being a learning curve. Dating is as much about learning more about ourselves as it is about anyone we meet. We all have likes, dislikes and assumptions, along with room for new perspectives. You just have to know what they are.
You're not doing anything wrong if you're direct, honest and follow up with verbal responses aside from just texting. Above all, trust that the energy you put out will be the energy you'll receive.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.
