Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Is An Open Relationship OK After Cheating?
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
Enough about me, let's talk sex.
I caught my partner cheating on me. And now my partner is suggesting an open relationship. I don't think I can trust him again.
Catalina in Puerto Rico
Negotiating any kind of nonmonogamous relationship should be based on how you are built as a human. Love is infinite, but an open relationship is never the solution to a problem.
A non-consensual act of any kind in a relationship—what some may call cheating—is a detrimental form of betrayal and requires much attention to repair, renew rapport, ask forgiveness and evolve.
Nobody should play the role of victim or villain, as each of you has contributed to some or parts of the reasons behind the cheating.
For many people, once they experience a betrayal, it's difficult to go back to this person. Above all, never strive to go "back to normal" since the norm you had obviously had open opportunities for cheating.
I know from my own experience. I have encountered different types of cheating and betrayal from my partners, which left me devastated and feeling hopeless.
Although the betrayals I have experienced with my partners have all looked a bit different, I was able to forgive. I have a past with wounds that were healed enough to move forward but not enough to go back. I chose to learn from these experiences of hurt and pain, and I cannot imagine opening myself up to additional opportunities for my partner to betray me with a pattern of distrust by taking on other partners.
Open relationships and nonmonogamous commitments allow for exploration and different types of sex, love, family and commitment. When negotiated in the context of trust and respect in primary relationships, nonmonogamy has several benefits to the partners involved.
There is a beauty behind the concept, "Nobody can be anybody's everybody."
This statement holds true in polyamory or throuples and can enhance your love and sex life. The intimacy piece takes precedence above all other forms of pleasure in these relationships. That being said, it requires a lot of transparent communication and a strong bond within the unity of the dynamic. And again, it is not a solution for betrayal.
If you're going through the hurt and pain of betrayal from a partner who committed an act of cheating, take time to consider what you would like to learn. What elements did you have control over when it came to your own actions, thoughts and behaviors in the context of your relationship? Where does your intuition take you when it comes to the future of your ability to trust and forgive?
Take some time to prioritize your feelings, big or small. This is a journey that requires you to create the space to navigate your own feelings first. Only then can you address any issues with your partner.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.
