Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Will Marriage Change Our Sex Life?
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor, based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you've got questions you want to be answered in future columns, email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
Enough about me, let's talk sex.
I've been dating my partner for two years, and now we're going to get married. Is this going to change our sex life?
Fred in Maine
The sex life between couples will always be changing if you are always willing to learn about each other. My favorite parts about married sex include greater satisfaction, lower risk and anxiety, and most of all, a long-term trajectory for potential mind-blowing pleasure.
Something mysterious happens after going through the official plunge of marriage. It's as though no matter how long you have been together something about that little piece of paper creates a change in the dynamic. For most, this is just an adjustment to the name changes, bank account unification, the social acceptance of pregnancy or the decision not to have children, and in my experience, the ideas around a long-term commitment that set in.
Marriage is a transition and the sexual nature of the relationship can evolve. Many couples have a fear of sexual play decreasing or becoming boring, but marriage creates an opportunity for a safe space to trust and explore each other's sexualities. There is a silver lining of comfort where the agreement of full acceptance can arise and the trust and respect from your official commitment may allow for all uncertainties to be removed.
This is a perspective to practice and is not necessarily inherent.
Explore the trust. Embrace new ideas and keep up the practice of flirting and romance. Marriage is symbolic and thus can also create a place for sex that removes doubt, insecurities and fears. If sex has not been what you would hope for, then allow the marital dynamic to offer a protection bubble for you to really get to know each other and explore your ideals around what you want for each other in the long term and the short term.
Most couples who choose marriage have the fantasy of growing old together, sharing adventures, uniting families and forever love. This is also a space where forever passion can be included. My favorite part about growing old together reflects how spicy and creative we can be when sexual pleasure is a priority in our relationship rather than a piece of affection that's taken for granted.
Consider marriage as an opportunity for sexual growth in your relationship. I can count on my partner knowing every sensual spot that drives me wild and the guessing game of what they like goes away because we talk about fantasy, play and check in as we go with what feels good. I have someone who knows my favorite songs, how I like my burgers, what gets me to smile after a tough day at work, how I like to be kissed and what gives me chills going into foreplay. I have a reliable best friend, the kind where romance and the stomach flu will be equally addressed by my person who knows what I need and how I need it in times of stress and high libido. I have a lover who will be my caretaker as I am theirs.
Marriage does change sex but it can be the most rewarding change when your mind, body and heart crave your person as the greatest gift each of you has received.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.
