Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Is She Using My Turn-offs Against Me?
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor, based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you've got questions you want to be answered in future columns, email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
Enough about me, let's talk sex.
I started seeing this girl a few months ago and we hit it off. The sex started feeling routine so I made some suggestions to change things up based on what turns me on when I watch porn. Although she was open-minded, I think she took offense and now she's doing a lot of things during sex that have become major turnoffs. I know I don't have an erection problem, but once we hit the bed, I start to lose all interest in intercourse. Can this be fixed?
Barry in New Mexico
I hate to literally and bluntly laugh out loud, but sex brings out the animal in all of us and for some, those noises and spontaneous words are straight-up unattractive. Simply put, you, my friend, are in a delicate conundrum.
In all fairness, you did make a brave and bold move initiating some healthy sexual communication. And I think it's great that—at least, maybe, at first—she was attempting to receive the feedback and work through the learning curve of sexual compatibility. Forming a new sexual relationship with a partner takes more than some fun porn positions and is truly sustainable when you can keep a constant evolution in your bond together. Sexual chemistry does shed light on some variety in sexual compatibility and long-term relationship compatibility when you include open conversation.
I think it's important to reflect on the crazy noises and sex ideas that turn you off from two perspectives: yours and hers.
Your perspective should include an emphasis on your own sexual identity, including experiences from your past, the play that is right in front of you now and how you see your sexual journey evolving futuristically.
I don't encourage or believe in wanting partners to change. Holding on to hopes for seeing different personality traits is just that: hope. Can you live with who she is today? If, in the present, you would be comfortable identifying her quirks as enjoyable, would pleasure exist?
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When you look into your identity, what hangups might you have from previous experiences or just in reflecting on your sexual personality? I own that I have some legit hangups regarding play partners and I can't change the fact that my sexuality puts up hard no's to these turnoffs.
In other articles, I've mentioned my personal hangup regarding excessive drippy sweat or gross amounts of saliva (bleh!), but these are tied to my weird spectrum of sensitivities to body fluid. I'm well aware I'm human and I'm sure I make crazy faces or other inconvenient quirky noises I can't change, but I don't expect a partner to remain a play partner in this scenario.
I am who I am, you are who you are, and she's clearly doing stuff that creates a conflict between your heart, mind and penis.
Being particular about your partner during sex may just be your mind's way of preventing a long-term mistake. If there are conflicts that disrupt erection or orgasm, I'm willing to bet there are other quirks within her identity that may create distance in your connection on other levels in the relationship.
Stay truthful and honest about your sexual exploration and what kinds of stimulation you like. The holistic person for you exists—more than one, for sure—and it's up to you to reflect on your wants and needs as well as know if you can accept your partner just as they are.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.
