Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: How Do I Tell Her I'm Submissive?

I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.

If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.

Enough about me, let's talk sex.

I've been in an exclusive sexual-play partner relationship for about six months. The sex is fun and I enjoy how we respect the negotiation, but I want to tell her the truth about some fantasies I want to add to our play. Honestly, I really want some role exchange so I can be submissive to her and I am afraid to tell her because of possibly getting rejected or her thinking I'm weird. How should I handle this?

Frank in Nevada

First of all, I really love that you have established a healthy foundation with your play partner by having a negotiated contract. People often forget that all negotiations can be renegotiated.

Let's start by reminding you and our readers how to set up a healthy foundation:

• State your wants and needs objectively. This means no judgment, no need for defensiveness and no commitment to anything you do not align to.
• Choose your boundaries. This includes what play interests you agree on, a safe word for maintaining consent, and consistent weekly or bi-weekly check-ins to reassure both of you are still benefiting from the negotiation.
• Consent. Map out a contract, sign it and get ready for some fun. Always keep in mind that you want to include how each of you likes to receive and offer aftercare. My favorite sex/kink quote ever is, "Come to the dark side, we have cookies." Literally, aftercare is replenishing blood sugar, electrolytes, wound care and comfort with safety.

Open and honest desire is imperative to any sexual relationship, regardless of your commitment style or negotiation. Identify what being submissive would look like and include specific details you would like to include. Be intentional about what you want their role to be and ask what seems appropriate or desirable to them. They need to be interested and feel comfortable. Negotiations need to be agreed upon because they are a compromise or weapon of manipulation to gain your wants in play.

Having a play partner is supposed to create a space for safety. Be sure to schedule a good time to talk about renegotiation. Provide bullet points to outline what you would like to go over.

In the end, this is a good experience for sexual negotiation in any relationship. It does, however, need to feel safe. If rejection is your answer or fear is the result, perhaps you should consider that this partner is no longer a good fit. But be sure to listen and understand what consent means for both of you.

Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.