Want More Sex? Doing Your Share of the Chores Can Help

If the thought of your partner taking out the trash unprompted gets you hot under the collar, you're not alone. Recent research suggests women tend to experience more sexual desire in relationships they perceive as equitable. In short, a relationship where both parties contribute a fair share of the physical and emotional labor.

In their Relational and Bodily Experiences Theory of sexual desire, originally published in June 2018, Eugenia Cherkasskaya, Ph.D. and Margaret Rosario, M.A., Ph.D. posited that sexual desire for women is multifaceted. But two aspects of desire—solitary sexual desire and dyadic desire—are particularly prominent.

Lisa Lawless, Ph.D., psychologist and CEO of Holistic Wisdom, Inc., in Bend, Oregon, explained that dyadic desires are sexual activities you engage in with a partner, while solitary sexual desires are ones you engage in alone.

Everyone's experience is distinct, said Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a social psychologist and resident sex researcher at Astroglide, based in Indianapolis, Indiana. But for most people, both are key components of sexual well-being.

"Dyadic sexual desires are vital as they allow us to experience the physical and emotional benefits of human touch and can improve relationships," Lawless explained. "It facilitates trust, security, and a sense of belonging and improves our immune system and cognitive functioning.

"Solitary sexual desire, on the other hand, provides us the freedom to understand our unique sexual desires better and gives us a safe space to address healing from emotional and physical traumas, avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancies."

According to a new study published in the Journal of Sex Research in May 2022, previous research has primarily examined female sexual desire through the lens of biology and psychology, focusing on factors such as hormonal fluctuations and emotional states. There's also evidence relational contexts influence sexual desire but, study authors wrote, there remained a need for further exploration.

To do so, researchers surveyed 299 partnered, female participants ages 18 to 39, asking questions about their levels of solitary and dyadic sexual desire, overall relationship satisfaction and perceptions of relationship equity.

The data indicated people who perceived their relationships as equal were more likely to be satisfied with their relationships and have higher levels of solitary and dyadic desire. In other words, egalitarianism is sexy.

Sexual desire and overall health

Up to 55 percent of women experience low sexual desire. It's particularly prevalent among menopausal and postmenopausal women but can occur at any age. While some folks are perfectly fine with that, in others, it can cause significant distress.

Low libido can result from myriad factors, including age, hormonal changes, underlying physical or mental health conditions, self-esteem, a history of sexual trauma, and cultural and environmental influences. Relationship issues contribute, too. Research from 2016 indicated people with low sexual desire are often dissatisfied with their relationship, and problems with a partner can make having sex with them less enticing.

"The most common physiological factor is hormone fluctuations, which strongly impact sexual desire, especially estrogen, testosterone and progesterone," Lawless said. "In addition, neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin also play a role."

One's emotional and mental well-being impacts sexual desire and sexual functioning, she added. For example, stress, depression and anxiety can significantly diminish libido as well as the ability to achieve healthy sexual responses.

"Perception of one's body image can also impact how one feels about their desirability and can contribute to sexual performance and the ability to receive pleasure" she explained. "Belief systems that are impacted by social and cultural norms and expectations can influence how one experiences their own sexuality as well as their partner's. It can affect communication, sexual boundaries and relationship dynamics."

The effects can be significant and extend beyond the bedroom. Besides having sex less frequently, research suggests people with low desire often don't get as much pleasure when they do. They also tend to feel more frustrated and emotionally distant from their partner. Moreover, a lack of sex—solo or partnered—can have broad implications for a person's overall health and life satisfaction.

Why more relationship equity can help

Low libido in women can be challenging to treat but, as this and other research has indicated, it's generally not one person's sole responsibility. Rather, it's something couples can work on together. That effort can take many forms, but improving equity is a fundamental step.

The social exchange theory of psychology suggests that people in relationships in which decision-making, division of labor and resources are shared tend to be more satisfied and experience less conflict than those in less balanced pairings.

Discrepancies can occur in tangible areas, such as household chores, childcare, eldercare and financial management. They can also appear in subtler ways, including anticipating a partner's needs, providing emotional support and managing conflict.

Research published in July 2019 suggested that, on average, in heterosexual relationships, women tend to be responsible for a disproportionate amount of emotional, cognitive and household labor compared to their male counterparts.

For example, a 2021 report by the European Institute for Gender Equality indicated women who were employed spent an average of 2.3 hours daily on housework, while men who were employed spent only 1.6 hours. This responsibility gap was especially pronounced among couples with children, suggesting the most significant discrepancies occur in families.

"Many women are unfairly put into the role of sole parent by their male partner, where they are seen as responsible for the majority of household responsibilities," Lawless explained. "This, despite most working outside of the home just as much as their male counterparts."

Males who offer to help are often seen as assuming the role of a child despite doing chores, she noted. This is due to the misconception that they are merely lending a hand when in fact, these duties are equally their responsibility.

"In addition, women are often expected to provide more emotional support to keep a relationship going, as well as provide for the emotional needs of the family. Women are often paid less, which may cause them to feel obligated to perform more household or emotional labor. This imbalance can create resentment and strain the relationship. They may also feel that they must sacrifice their career more by missing out on opportunities they may have had if they were not prioritizing and supporting their partner's career."

Both partners sharing responsibility for various tasks can reduce stress and increase relationship satisfaction, heightening sexual desire.

Experts say all of this can affect sexual desire in multiple ways.

Tasks such as household chores and childcare can be mentally and physically exhausting, noted Lehmiller and Martha Tara Lee, D.H.S., a relationship counselor and clinical sexologist with Eros based in Kim Hoe Centre, Singapore.

"We know that stress is one of those things that can make it hard to experience or feel sexual desire," Lehmiller said. "If you have this big list of things that you need to do and you're exhausted at the end of the day, that's going to make it difficult for any desire to set in."

He added that inequity can affect a person's perception of their partner. If someone is responsible for a disproportionate amount of childcare and household work, they might perceive their partner as dependent or irresponsible which can further diminish desire.

In equitable relationships, Lee said both partners share responsibility for various tasks. This can reduce stress and increase relationship satisfaction, heightening sexual desire.

People in relationships that are equitable tend to involve more open, honest communication and a greater degree of mutual respect, she continued, wherein each person values the other's opinions and acknowledges their needs. This can deepen the couple's emotional connection and enhance sexual desire.

"In some relationships, one partner may dominate conversations or make decisions without consulting the other, which can lead to feelings of disempowerment and frustration," Lee said. "In heterosexual relationships, gender norms might factor in as well. In less equitable relationships, 'traditional' gender norms might be more prevalent, which can create or compound power imbalances and affect intimacy and desire."

Because gender norms aren't necessarily a factor in same-sex relationships, Lawless and Lehmiller said inequity tends to be less prominent. However, experts noted it can be present in all varieties of couplings.

"Factors such as power dynamics, communication and cultural norms can all contribute to relationship inequity," Lee said. "It's important to note that every relationship is unique, and the level of equity or inequity can vary depending on the individuals involved. It's essential to address and work toward resolving any issues of inequity in relationships, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity."

She added that it's important to note these are merely possible explanations for the link between relationship equity and sexual desire, and more research is needed to fully understand the phenomenon. However, she noted the study highlights the importance of fostering healthy relationships built on mutual respect and support, and prioritizing emotional intimacy, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation.

How to establish more equity

When it comes to relationship inequity, identifying the source of the problem is most often the first step to rectifying it.

"It's essential to identify the root cause of the imbalance in the relationship," Lee explained. "Is it related to power dynamics, communication or cultural norms? Understanding the source of the problem can help in finding a solution."

Communicating with your partner is the next step in the process.

"Communication is key when dealing with anything in relationships because it's easy for partners to have completely different perceptions from one another, Lehmiller said. "So, you have to start first by getting on the same page."

Lawless noted that, when discussing responsibilities, it's vital not to overlook the mental and emotional load as well as more tangible facets like time and physical labor.

"For example, if one needs to assume responsibility for making a meal, it would mean not just making the meal but ensuring that a list is created based on the required ingredients for the meal, transporting it back to the home, putting items away and cleaning up afterward without having to be asked to do it," she said.

The experts agreed you should think carefully about how you frame the conversation. Beginning the dialogue with negativity or criticism isn't likely to be productive.

The best strategy is to take a nonjudgmental approach and ensure each partner feels heard and understood. While partners can have different values and priorities, Lee and Lawless agreed that respecting one another's differences is vital, as is establishing healthy boundaries and discovering smart ways to compromise.

"Creating a more equitable relationship often requires negotiation and compromise," Lee said.

"Both partners should be willing to make changes and adjustments."

It's better to address these issues early in the relationship before they become entrenched behavior patterns, Lehmiller noted.

"If you start to recognize that you're doing a heck of a lot more around the house than your partner, and this has been going on for a little while, address that before it becomes something that goes on for years," Lehmiller said. "Because that only allows resentment to build and makes it harder to tackle that issue later on."

When compromise seems impossible, or the imbalance is causing significant distress, the recommendation is to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor.

"Creating a more equitable relationship takes time and effort, as well as a commitment from both partners," Lee said. "However, with open communication, negotiation and a willingness to make changes, it is possible to create a more balanced and fulfilling dynamic."