While Divorce Rates Are Declining, More Older Couples are Splitting Up
In the past two decades, cases of divorce in the United States have declined. However, for people in their 50s and 60s, divorces have doubled, according to a 2014 paper by Bowling Green State University researchers Susan L. Brown and I-Fen Lin.
Divorces that include people older than age 50 have been dubbed gray divorces.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the divorce rate in the past three decades has almost doubled for the over-50 age group. It was reported that 34.9 percent of Americans who filed for divorce in 2020 were older than 50, twice the rate of any other age category.
Marriage has challenges, and sometimes it's difficult for some couples to stay together.
While marriage is an institution that binds two people together for the rest of their respective lives, changing societal attitudes have played a role in contributing to gray divorces.
What are the primary causes and implications of gray divorce?
Defining gray divorce
Gray divorce refers to the rising divorces among older adults, those over 50, who have been in a long-lasting marriage. Most couples in the 50-and-older age bracket opt for divorce for various reasons. Perhaps their relationship is no longer working, maybe one or both feel the need for financial independence, or it may be as simple as there's no longer any compatibility or shared responsibility now that the kids are out of the house.
Marriage has challenges, and those sometimes make it difficult for some couples to stay together, no matter how committed they are. When this happens, couples have two options: stay in the marriage and fix it or part ways, which often leads to divorce.
While it can be difficult for some couples to sustain a marriage, a majority opt to part ways by splitting assets. The first step in this process is to speak to lawyers and begin divorce proceedings.
Divorce is a complex process but can be the best choice if the marriage is beginning to negatively affect you or a loved one.
However, divorce can have a major impact on mental health.
The changing landscape of gray divorces
Many things have changed in our society that have greatly impacted our culture. Marriage has always been considered an important institution. Divorces were generally frowned upon and only permitted if a partner was engaged in adultery, abuse or abandonment.
"Our culture gives us a mixed message about marriage," said Krista Jordan, Ph.D., a couples therapist in Austin, Texas. "It's supposed to be our happy place, but it's also not supposed to be super hard. The problem is that neither is true much of the time. When there is a gray divorce, usually the couple has had dissatisfaction in the marriage for many years. Careers and children are convenient distractions from the marital issues, and by focusing on these things, partners limp along in a relationship that is actually not viable long-term."
As time has passed, societal views have changed and divorce has become socially acceptable—even viewed as a norm. In recent years, it's estimated that between 35 percent and 50 percent of marriages in the United States will end in divorce.
Undergoing divorce proceedings is longer considered a big issue.
"Some of these couples may not have children, so other reasons exist as to why they are separated," said David Tzall, Psy.D., a psychologist in Brooklyn, New York. "One reason for the increase is the changing cultural and social norms surrounding divorce. Divorce is not as vilified or seen as a failure as it was in previous generations. It is a viable option for couples who are unhappy in their marriages.
"Moreover, increased life expectancy means that people are living longer, healthier lives and many may feel that they have more time to start over and pursue new relationships."
The causes of gray divorces
Divorce is a complex process and certainly not something you wake up one morning and decide to pursue. Reaching a point where you want to get a divorce is usually a long process where the marriage isn't working and other factors are beginning to threaten its foundations.
"Gray divorces may happen when people have more time to think about what they want in life," said Jaclyn Gulotta, Ph.D., a licensed mental health counselor and a qualified mental health supervisor in the Orlando area. "Self-reflection may become more of a priority once people find themselves less busy with their careers and taking care of a family. With this, each person may realize they have less in common than desired for their relationship."
Gray divorces, she continued, may become more prominent as people begin to question what they want out of life. They may realize their relationship doesn't align with the next phase of their life.
Some of the leading causes of gray divorces include empty nest syndrome, financial problems and lack of communication.
Empty nest syndrome
Some couples consider a home to be complete when they are raising children. However, it's a totally new dynamic when the children are all grown up and live independently. This is known as empty nest syndrome. The couples are left with fewer to no parenting responsibilities, and that can lead to emotional distress.
Financial problems
Financial issues have contributed to many divorces, and as adults get older, managing finances can become more of a struggle. Disagreements over finances or financial constraints can often lead to marital conflict and divorce.
Lack of communication
In every marriage, communication and partner connection is vital. With old age, couples may experience a breakdown in communication and a loss of emotional touch. This can be due to failure to address underlying issues or other factors. The relationship can be unstable without effective communication and emotional intimacy, and that can lead to divorce.
How to navigate a gray divorce
Seeking professional help is a good first step for couples to get through gray divorces.
"When partners are dissatisfied with their relationship, I encourage them to engage a skilled couple's counselor for at least four sessions," Jordan said. "This can be a format to explore whether the relationship is [dead on arrival] or whether there is life left in it. Many couples come to therapy with one foot out of the door but most leave feeling recommitted and with better tools and skills for excelling at partnership."
Another method is to focus on self-care.
"Divorce can take a toll on your physical and mental health," Tzall said. "Prioritizing self-care will help you not feel overwhelmed and burdened. Engaging in activities and hobbies that you're interested in gives a sense of purpose and accomplishment. It can also help with confidence and self-esteem, which can be affected following a divorce."
He recommended getting regular exercise, eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep and doing anything that brings you joy.
Building a support network and seeking social connections can help you navigate a gray divorce. Sharing views and interacting with others who have experienced the same situation can offer different perspectives and coping strategies.
Also, learning from others' experiences and how they overcame the challenge of divorce can provide helpful insights.
