How Can I Balance the Workload in My Relationship?
It's a biological fact that human beings often fail to thrive without healthy relationships, whether romantic, familial or friendly.
Relationships come in all shapes and sizes, but there's one thing for certain: A healthy romantic partnership should be a safe space, a space where you find comfort, solace, ease and help with the demands of life.
However, when the responsibilities of life bog down one partner, it can cause the relationship to feel like tedious work. Especially when one party assumes full responsibility for the mental load in the relationship.
Managing the mental load
The "mental load" refers to the mental effort people put into managing everyday tasks. Crossing to-do's off your list is not simply a matter of doing them. Before they get done, someone has to think about them. Someone has to remember that they need to get done, schedule a time to do them and carry them out.
There is so much more work involved in balancing life than the idea of simply taking care of responsibilities, and it starts with the mental load.
When there's an uneven balance of the mental load, the needs of the relationship often get placed on the back burner.
"The 'mental load' in a household refers to the invisible and often unpaid work that goes into managing and organizing daily life," said Martha Tara Lee, D.H.S., a relationship counselor and clinical sexologist with Eros Coaching in Singapore. "This includes tasks such as planning meals, scheduling appointments, managing finances, coordinating childcare and keeping track of household supplies. It also includes the emotional labor of remembering important dates, anticipating needs and providing support to family members."
The problem with an uneven balance of the mental load and the subsequent business of running a home is that when most, or all, of this responsibility falls on one partner, the needs of the relationship often get placed on the back burner.
This includes intimacy.
How the mental load disproportionately affects women
In heterosexual partnerships particularly, women are socially viewed as the default party to handle the majority of housework and childcare. Naturally, women bear a larger portion of the mental load when it comes to scheduling, delegating and completing these tasks.
This structure was more feasible when men were the only ones working full-time jobs, but for many couples, this is no longer true.
"Traditional gender roles can impact the distribution of the mental load in a household by creating expectations and assumptions about who is responsible for certain tasks," Lee said. "For example, women are often expected to take on the majority of household and childcare responsibilities, while men are expected to be the primary breadwinners. These expectations can make it difficult for couples to achieve a more equitable distribution of labor, as they may feel pressure to conform to traditional gender roles."
Even now that many modern households consist of two working partners and/or parents, this cultural norm has struggled to shift.
According to Pew Research published in April 2023, in almost 30 percent of marriages, both spouses have jobs that pay similar salaries. More than half of marriages have a husband who is the sole breadwinner; in 16 percent, the wife is the primary source of income.
This societal shift results in women bearing the brunt of the mental load and being too burned out to prioritize their own desires, let alone the desires of their partners. Such a load can lead to a lack of energy for intimacy, thereby making it feel like just another chore to be checked off the list. The result can be resentment and, consequently, unwanted distance between partners.
"These days, many couples both work full time," said Wendi Dumbroff, L.P.C., a couple's and sex therapist and the founder of Wendi Dumbroff Therapy in Madison, New Jersey. "I like to keep the idea of 'fairness' in mind when thinking about how to manage household and everyday life tasks.
"When one person feels overburdened and their partner is unwilling to help out or begrudgingly helps out a little, the partner carrying the lion's share of the mental load and/or the act of physically carrying out the tasks may grow resentful or feel that their needs don't matter to their partner."
How can I establish an equitable balance?
When one person in a relationship starts to feel resentment toward their partner for not taking on their fair share of the mental load, they may naturally go silent. Often, this allows resentment to fester further.
The first step out of the hole for that partner is to speak up.
"For couples struggling to keep their relationship from feeling like work due to an imbalance of responsibilities, communication is key," Lee said. "It's important to have an open and honest conversation about each partner's needs and expectations, as well as any challenges or obstacles that may be getting in the way of achieving a more balanced division of labor."
Just as importantly, the partner perceived to be doing less than their fair share of task management needs to be willing to listen and validate their partner. And actually step up.
"I think it is a good idea, as with so many issues, for couples to sit down and talk about it," Dumbroff said. "Whether discussing the mental load one carries, or any other issues, I encourage partners to listen to hear each other, not to respond. Validate what you hear, and most importantly, create a plan together—negotiating and compromising and following through."
Additionally, thanks to modern technology, the mental load doesn't have to live entirely in the brains of those who bear it. Lee suggested couples incorporate technological assistance into the household planning, to help ease the burden on everyone involved.
"Technology and other tools can be used to help distribute and manage the mental load by providing a centralized location for tasks and information," she said. "For example, couples can use shared calendars, task-management apps or digital grocery lists to keep track of responsibilities and ensure that nothing falls through the cracks.
"They can also use technology to automate certain tasks, such as setting up automatic bill payments or ordering household supplies online."
Prioritize fairness to reignite intimacy
If you find your sex life has taken a backseat to the demands of everyday minutia, it's a good idea to address the mental load and see if one partner is shouldering an unfair majority.
While it may seem as if you're doing your fair share of physical household labor, an unfair balance of the mental energy required to plan and anticipate it may remain.
"I think that fairness is always a good word and concept to use when negotiating the tasks of daily life," Dumbroff said. "It is hard to argue with being fair to each other."
An equitable split of the mental load can ease the burden on both partners and significantly improve the overall health of the relationship. When the mind isn't constantly bogged down with the stress of managing a household, it has more room for the things it needs to flourish—relaxation, hobbies, intimacy—without feeling like it has to pencil those things into a schedule like everything else.
"Sharing the mental load can have numerous benefits for mental, physical and sensual wellness within a relationship," Lee explained. "When both partners feel supported and valued, it can lead to increased feelings of intimacy and connection. It can also reduce stress and promote better mental health by alleviating feelings of overwhelm and burnout.
"Additionally, when both partners are able to pursue their own interests and hobbies, it can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling life overall."
