Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Consistency In A Relationship?
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor, based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you've got questions you want to be answered in future columns, email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
Enough about me, let's talk sex.
I have amazing sexual chemistry with a person whom I'm seeing, but the closer our connection gets, the more he pulls away. For a few days, it's great and then he'll stop calling. How do I ask him for consistency?
Janet in New Jersey
Chemistry is so fun and can feel tremendous. I love the feelings of excitement, the rush of emotions and laughter, and the thrill of making an amazing connection with someone. However, the price we pay with a partner who jumps in and out of our lives typically costs more than our thoughts and hearts can handle.
Be upfront and listen to your partner.
If they start off by making you feel adored and amazing, it's OK to trust it. But it's also OK to ask if they've thought about what kind of relationship they're seeking. Humans often hold on to the least tangible of ideas: hope and potential. If your special someone shows you a ton of passion and interest but eventually begins to shy away, be direct in your questions and observations concerning the confusion.
There are several reasons you may instinctively be feeling "hot and cold" vibes.
Attachment styles come in three basic varieties: avoidant, insecure and secure. It's important for you to identify if you've come across these before in your past experiences and to determine what you learned from them, in order to best know what you're ready to explore in the next adventure.
Inconsistent sex, time, attention and words that do not match behaviors have definitely left me feeling insecure or second-guessing what's wrong with me versus what is right with me.
It's hard to make a solid connection with someone who seems to be hiding behind a facade. A healthy attachment style feels natural and organic with the flow of growing closer and evolving into the same ideas, sexuality and bond.
Insecure attachments are hard to spot, but they essentially look clingy upfront and push you away pretty quickly.
Recommended
- Boundaries For Friends With Benefits: There are ways to be fair and ethical in non-monogamous relationships too.
- Setting Boundaries for Healthy Relationships: Don't keep saying yes to everyone. Maybe it's time you made some time for yourself.
- Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: My Girlfriend Never Orgasms and More: All in a day's work for sex therapist Savannah Van Besien in Giddy's new column.
Avoidant attachment, more or less, feels like they'll never bond with you and you end up confused at the end of each date.
Avoidant and insecure are the crappiest of attachment styles. They can pull you in fast, push you out fast, and string you along in fear of losing them without ever really knowing what they want. Knowing your background, trauma or lack thereof—and there's, too—will help you navigate.
Identify your wants, needs and expectations. You don't have to live a life of confusion waiting around for someone to love or want you back. Surviving love comes from handing over your power. Thriving in love means you know who you are and you don't have to accept less than what you're willing to offer.
If you're seeking consistency, check in with your partner and let them know what your idea of this looks like. Some people want daily texts or FaceTime conversations that bring you closer together during the work day. Other people have no issue with large amounts of space and time between conversations.
I will say that a healthy conversation style does help in creating a more secure space within your relationship.
If you feel like you're fighting for their attention or struggling for some personal space, acknowledge that as a talking point. If you deny this conversation, there will always be a conflict in how you perceive the feelings you each have for each other. You are the expert about yourself. Don't let fear hold you back from expressing your concerns.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.
