Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Should You Divorce Over a Fetish?
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be anonymous.
Enough about me, let's talk sex.
How do you negotiate the performance of a sexual fetish with a spouse when they are hesitant? Is a refusal grounds for separation or divorce?
Henry in Pennsylvania
Sexual fetishes carry taboo because the general public relies heavily on examples depicted in pornography or Hollywood movies. Realistically, most fetishes have very little to do with harm or abuse. Rather, they are meant to enhance orgasm in an unorthodox way or create stimuli through untraditional pelvic floor rubbing and tugging.
Disclosing a sexual fetish is never easy because the stigma and judgment we run into can leave us feeling broken or damaged. I love that you initiated a conversation about your likes and desires, and opened up to your spouse about fantasies you would like to see come to fruition. The start of negotiation is not consent, but rather an open dialogue of sexual communication with someone you trust.
That being said, a spouse, be it a monogamous or nonmonogamous relationship, has a vested interest in their future and yours. I would start by creating an understanding between yourself and your fetish, and educating your spouse and yourself about what it means to you and how you would like—and not demand—them to participate.
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I often use the example of the dominatrix and the leather-beaten boy. If my partner asked me to fulfill their kink by whipping them or spitting on them, I would have my definite reasons for saying, "Oh, hell no."
To explain myself, I am the oldest of four kids, I am the mother of four kids and I work as a mental health professional in private practice. The last thing I want to do during sexual playtime is be in a leadership role taking care of someone else's needs. I share this because exploring the fetish together can address your partner's resistance as well as educate them about what exactly your desires entail.
In some versions of well-negotiated nonmonogamy, it's possible for your partner to "refer" you to a transactional resource that would be able to fulfill this fetish during play. However, this may be an open discussion worthy to be addressed in a different article.
"Grounds for divorce" is a big statement and a subjective one. Usually, when someone is considering the termination of a relationship, there are many facets to a larger problem in communication, sexual or not.
I think it's important to feel loved and accepted by your spouse. If I were you, I would adjust my focus to hearing their concerns and fears around the topic of your fetish. As I mentioned earlier, many fetishes are quirky but harmless.
I would emphasize the importance of consent and negotiation. When it comes down to it, are you really trying to get your partner to hear and understand you? Or are you seeking pleasure in a way that feels threatening to your spouse because of their own insecurities?
Negotiating a variety of sexual play is necessary in the world of sustainable sexual relationships. Sex is a gift, not a chore. Expressing your unique sexuality is upheld even higher in a marriage because as you grow together, it can be easier to soften and feel at ease with vulnerability.
I think the hard takeaway here is to trust your gut, acknowledge your sexual bravery, accept your personal sexual identity for who you are and ultimately be willing to explore your partner's perspective while educating them rather than trying to defend yourself.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.
