Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Staying Safe With Sex Tapes
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a licensed professional counselor-supervisor in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
Enough about me; let's talk sex.
Is it a bad thing to want to video my partner and me having sex? If not, how should I approach my partner about it?
Doug in Vermont
In the theme of sex-positive approaches, there's no good, bad, right or wrong. So I'll answer you with three ideas in mind: Consent, privacy and intentions.
Consent is important for all sexual activities and needs to be included in every encounter or act of play. That being said, you and your partner need to be in healthy emotional and mental states when making the shared decision to record a play session.
Nothing is truly private anymore (and we don't all become famous when our sex videos accidentally go viral). Consider what device you will use to record your play session, how you will choose to save it (cheers to spank-bank material), and other privacy settings such as IP addresses, spyware, etc. Technology is convenient but not typically foolproof when it comes to security. Do some research together in order to best keep your recording safe and private.
Know your intentions and think about futuristic and realistic trust and respect. Reservations around sex videos should include the obvious: "What happens if we break up?"
Even in the most amicable breakups and divorces, emotions tend to trump rationale, and using this video as anything but pleasure as a couple can easily turn into a legal issue. Before you move forward with making a recording, talk about how this video will turn you on, be exciting in the act of making it and what you would do if the relationship ends. It's important to consider future careers and partners for both of you.
Making a sex video can be exciting and even exhilarating in the heat of the moment. Just be sure you are both in agreement before making any "sudden moves" that could become permanently impactful in your lives.
I am recently single and it's been six months or so since I've had sex. I feel like I'm always horny. But since I'm single I've turned to masturbating. Or at least I try. When I'm in the mood to masturbate, I begin with the journey, eventually breaking out a vibrator. But after a while, I get bored, lose focus, stop being excited and eventually stop altogether. I never orgasm. Am I not doing things correctly or am I simply impatient? Should I switch things up or do I just need to trust the process and slow my roll?
Chloe in North Dakota
Girl! There are a lot of great curiosities going on here, so to simplify, I'll focus on three main points of interest that actually apply to all genders.
- Masturbation. Lube is your friend and makes using your hand or toys much easier and more stimulating. Higher-end products for stimulating the anus or clitoris are great because they have up to 12 different speeds and they are rechargeable. There are some great toys out there that simulate oral sex via suction. Other toys can double the pleasure and double the fun by being inserted vaginally on one end and stimulating the clitoris on the other. Metal anal plugs that don't vibrate can feel good while adding pressure to the pelvic floor, which makes for an amazing orgasm.
- Visual stimuli. Exploring different porn during masturbation can heighten the experience and get those brain chemicals flowing. This also takes away the pressure and focus off your goal of orgasm and offers stimulation and fantasy outside of yourself. You can explore videos of all kinds and discover what "motivates" you most.
- Nothing is better than the real thing. Let's be real here. What barriers are challenging you from exploring new connections, relationships and skin-to-skin contact with a new partner? I know it can be difficult and scary to explore new sexual partners (especially if your old partner was so damn good in bed).
Bottom line: Don't be afraid to explore and get to know your body for your own self-pleasure. With time and patience, as you get to know your best orgasm, you'll be able to help your next lover learn how to give you great orgasms your ex never could.
You are in charge of your own pleasure.
My girlfriend and I have an amazing sex life and we are curious about anal sex. I'm excited to try it but she's worried about my penis hurting her. Do you have suggestions for how it can feel good for both of us?
Brad in North Carolina
Anal sex is such a fun topic and there is so much variety in how to explore a pleasurable experience alone or with a partner, but it's important to remember some humans have prostates and some don't. For this answer, I am going to focus on humans without prostates (assigned female at birth and she/her individuals).
Start by talking about what feels good openly during playtime. Foreplay, kissing and clitoral stimulation will create safety and an intimate connection while also relaxing the body physically. The anus is a tight sphincter, and much like a type A woman, it needs to be relaxed and reassured safely. I recommend you use lube and slowly massage the outside of the anus with zero intentions of insertion until your partner says otherwise. I would then insert the pinky finger. Make sure her mouth is open. If the mouth is clenched, so are all the other sphincters in the body.
Not all anuses can handle more than a pinky, so go slow and explore—with consent—a larger finger, then maybe two. Stop immediately if they begin to feel uncomfortable.
Be sure to consider some obvious and not-so-obvious hygiene practices. You might get poop on your finger or they might have a poopy accident. Be sure to wash your hands
before continuing your play if this happens so you don't put them at risk of E. coli exposure to the vagina, which could cause infection.
Be aware that multiple fingers or your penis could cause hemorrhoids or anal tearing. This is why using lube and going slow is important.
Last, introducing a small metal butt plug could be sensationally pleasurable and create a safe association between mental and physical touch.
Anal play has a lot of perks. It creates a little spice, a little fun and a dash of intimacy, and could be a great new experience for you as a couple. Just be sure to use a lot of communication before introducing it to your playtime.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please email me at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.
