Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: As a Man, Should I Want More Sex?
I'm an AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed professional counselor-supervisor based in Austin, Texas. I've been in practice for 14 years, including working in corporate settings, higher education and private practice.
If you have questions you want to be answered in future columns, send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. Privacy in all matters of intimacy is very important to me and any questions answered in this column will be entirely anonymous.
Enough about me, let's talk sex.
My wife and I have been together for quite some time and we get along well together. I feel bad because she complains that we don't have sex enough, and although I find her attractive, after working all day and the long commute, I just want to eat and relax. Is there something wrong with my libido? Should I want more frequent sex as a guy?
Oliver in South Carolina
I'll start by saying there is no normal amount of sex you should be having, and frequency varies across partnerships, long-term and short-term. I think it's a great sign your wife expresses sexual energy and desire for you. I also understand the guilt and frustration we feel when our sex cravings don't add up or align with our partners.
Sexuality is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Sexual play requires different levels of energy in all of these ways. I always start by referring to the medical and physical aspects to avoid any possible pathologies co-occurring in the body. Talk to your urologist about your overall physical health and energy, and get labwork done to check your testosterone levels, blood pressure, gut health and so on. That will start the process of elimination for causes of "low libido" and provide straightforward solutions.
I'm focused on the stresses in your everyday life that are weighing down your mental energy and emotions since there's a systemic correlation between feeling exhausted and not pleasing yourself or your wife.
Sexual stress can derive from too much or too little stimuli creating a lack of interest in playing with your partner. Sexual play can be amazing as a stress reducer, but sometimes the release is easier and more on point with masturbation and porn. Consider what kind of porn turns you on and what stimulates you to achieve a quick and satisfying ejaculation. Perhaps morning sex or weekend playtime allows for more rest and less work stimulation, therefore reducing the negative stress in your life.
Recommended
- Where Does My Desire Come From?: Our kinky origins are neurological, conditioned, or may align with our interests and experiences.
- Different Levels of Arousal: Spontaneous and Responsive Desire: Hollywood tells us only half the story: Real people don't always rush into sex.
- Giddy Presents The Naked Truth: Should I be more kinky?
A positive approach to asking for it
There is a big difference between hearing what you are failing to do versus hearing what someone wants more of—especially more of what you do successfully. If your wife is frustrated about the lack of sex, I would bet she voices several other frustrations that emphasize daily failures. Combined with work demands and critical feedback, I probably wouldn't be interested in any playtime. I would, however, tell her what makes you feel soothed and relaxed, so your mind can be clear and you can have more emotional and mental space when you're together after work.
Objectively, it's important to not dismiss the sexual advances and desires of our partners without having some contextual discussions around the reasons. If my man is looking sexy but beaten down after work, I can acknowledge both observations. It's helpful to express the space or peace you need to regroup. That way, you don't leave your partner feeling rejected and vulnerable to a downward spiral of negative thinking, which typically leads to arguments.
Addressing your needs and hers is a healthy part of sexual communication. Is it a need for some kind of time together? Is it a better approach to asking for pleasure and affection? Maybe you need some variety in how you stimulate each other. The bottom line is that nothing is truly wrong with either of you and closing in on the gap of sexual wants is completely doable.
Again, I'm not shy, so feel free to ask me anything. Remember, this will always be anonymous. If you have any questions about relationships, sexual activities or your partners, let me know. Tell me your first name and the state you live in so I can attribute your question. Please send me an email at askgiddy@getmegiddy.com. We will always respect your privacy.
